nehemiah 8:10

[read the scriptures. they are good and they are how we know the Lord. saturate yourself in the word of God and remind me often to do the same.]

"i know of no other way to triumph over sin long-term than to gain a distaste for it because of a superior satisfaction in God...God remains gloriously all-satisfying. The human heart remains a ceaseless factory of desires. Sin remains powerfully and suicidally appealing. The battle remains: Where will we drink? Where will we feast?...Feast on God." (pg. 12)

i have read the preface, the first four pages, of Desiring God by John Piper and i am left in awe. these few words have made me want to be a christian hedonist. i am moved by what can only be the Spirit and i think i might cry. that's all.

may we fall in love.

i started to read this piper book tonight and when i say started i mean that i've owned it for a while now and i open it occasionally but never really commit myself. i have a feeling this was not pipers intent for his readers (mostly because he told me that in the forward, not because i know him). anyways i got a few lines in and decided to seek out the scripture he was referencing, Ephesians 3:16 about strengthening the inner man. this intrigued me. as i read it in context i found that this was a passage i know well, or at least i thought i did. it's about God's love right? how wide and deep and all that jazz...it really is beautiful. looking at it in context i believe that paul is addressing the people of Ephesus to tell them that the good news of Christ, the mystery that has been hidden, is also for them, the gentiles. paul states that he, the very least of all the saints, has been sent to proclaim this message of Christ. what good news that really is. can you imagine, as a gentile, hearing that for the first time?
Ephesians 3:14-19 the text says this...

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

paul is saying, people of Ephesus, may you be strengthened by the Spirit deep within you. may you know Christ. have faith. have faith. trust. trust in Christ that he loves you and that his love is so far beyond what we can understand. that in knowing this love we will be filled with all the fullness of God.
it seems that every time before i have missed it. i have read this and been like, "wow God's love is big. that's beautiful." but never before have i grasped that once i know Christs love, once i have fallen deeply in love with Christ, it is then that i will be filled with the fullness of God. and that's what we all want right? that's what we crave. to be satisfied. to know God fully.
to fall in love with Christ. to understand how great he is and to fall in love with him. that is it. how that is accomplished i am not sure, but i know that we are called to pursue answers. hebrews 5 and 6 opened my eyes tonight. i cannot simply be content with milk. i cannot constantly be building the foundation. the author of hebrews urges us to deal boldly with our junk. repent. take this seriously. pursue Christ. walk in such a way that we are living out hebrews 5:14.
"But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil."

constant practice. may that be us. may we fall deeply in love with Christ.

"doing well..."

i want to know Christ.
i want to deeply push into him and know him how he really is.
i don't want to be consumed by "good christianity".
christianity that asks:
did i spend time with the lord?
am i memorizing scripture?
are people keeping me accountable?
AM I DOING WELL?
am i surrounded by fellowship?
am i loving people well?

don't misunderstand me, these questions are good questions, and they are probably things we need to be asking ourselves more, but for me, right now, i hate the questions. the perfect sequence of questions that if answered correctly mean that i am successfully doing christianity. i've spent a good portion of my life seeking to be the right answers, as if following Jesus somehow means i have to be "doing well". what is doing well anyways? i hate that question.
i have found myself in this place, where i desperately want to know Christ. i'm falling short everyday. i choose to not spend time with him. i choose my sin over righteousness. i choose to be loved by the world instead of knowing truth. in doing these things i have completely exhausted myself. i am let down and worn out. i feel abandoned by the relationships and idols i have tried to surround myself with, all the while i know that it is Christ who loves me and defines me. it is you Jesus who knows me and comforts me. you understand. you are consistent. you are all the things that i am so helplessly seeking for other people to be for me.
so i am here. i feel helpless because it seems as much as i try to push into Christ i can't be satisfied. it seems like every time i begin to wrap my mind around truth satan shows up and starts talking. it seems impossible for me to loosen my grip around some of my idols. if i were to be honest with people, like really honest, i would tell them that i have been fighting for a few years to put some of these idols to death. i sob till i can't cry anymore. constantly battling lies in my head. trying to break down my justifications. constantly having to remind myself where my worth comes from and who it is that does love me. trying to believe that it's enough. i spend days without food so that i can remember to pray my heart out for this thing that kills my joy. i want a new heart, i want a heart that doesn't struggle with this anymore. so often i feel like paul (which is something i cannot often say, but in this one circumstance), i feel like paul wrestling with God, begging him to take the thorn away. i pray that this thing wouldn't own me. i pray that i could worship you. know you deeply. if "my grace is sufficient for you" is the answer i am receiving then i pray you would give me a better understanding of your grace.
maybe i am describing the battle that everyone feels. this struggle to want to know God. love him passionately. maybe other people really do understand this moment when everything catches up to you and you know you aren't following Christ because it's cute or even because it is "the best way". all of a sudden you are following Christ because it seems like in him is the only way you can breathe. in this moment when the weight of being inherently sinful catches up to us. like we can feel the tearing of our soul. like the gravity of being broken and living in a broken world pushes down on us, crushing everything we thought we knew. it's this moment where my lips repeat, i need to know you. i want to know you. please God. i am pleading with you. i beg that i could know you. i want to know you. i need you. i want you to be enough. may i be obsessed with you. i plead.

my face is hot. burning eyes,
why do i crave to sob when sobbing burns?
body exhausted,
from my head down.
mind is clouded, not fit for use. i don't want to use it anyway.
i want to be comfortable.
don't want to think: to analyze. deep ecology ruins me.
but i must, must i? what am i called to? who is calling me?
excuse me, did you say something?
it burns.
when you cry too much, too much for anyone to handle,
too much to handle yourself,
it burns. your face. my face i mean.
my face is hot.
please, someone. someone understand this.
someone tell me i'm not mad. make me comfortable.
you can't. i've tried.
you wont. i've tried.
excuse me, i'm trying to think. stop tempting me.
don't make this hard.
this is already hard.
why wont you clear it?
the clouds. clear them. i need to think.
by think i mean focus.
by focus do i mean believe?
stop tempting me.
tell me i'm not going mad. tell me this makes sense.

goodbye november.

dear blogspot.
at request, i am here. it's a friday night, the night after thanksgiving, and i am in columbus. this thanksgiving is really weird for me, really weird in a painful way. I haven't spent a thanksgiving in columbus since i can remember. Every year me, my mom, stepdad, and sister all travel to delaware to visit my grandpa. this is usually my favorite holiday. my family comes together and piles into the small house on kensington lane. everyone stands around all day eating cheese and watching my mom cook in my grandmothers kitchen. this is the time that i get to see my cousins, my aunts, my uncles. i get to spend three nights staying up late with my mom and sister, eating cold turkey sandwiches watching rachel ray and law and order svu. last year was different, my grandpa was in the nursing home and we ate at my aunts. this year has completely confused me. i have spent the last three days sitting around my house feeling like it is winter break. christmas? easter? what holiday are we celebrating? my sister is home, which is comforting, i love her. i don't write this because i am sad, i inevitably am, but that is not why I'm writing. this isn't meant to make you feel bad. this is simply where i am. i am in my kitchen. stressed about exams, wishing i was somewhere I'm not with the lord, wanting so badly for time to slow down. i hate the feeling of loosing places you love. when somewhere you cherish no longer exists. a house, a room, a relationship. that is hard for me, really hard. i pray that i could keep my eyes focused on the lord. keep my eyes focused on the kingdom, knowing that my time here is short anyway. may i know you lord. may i fear you. may i seek you. may i be satisfied there.

i'm just okay.

i am okay. sitting on the third floor of this random duplex house that has become my home over the past year, and i'm okay. no more. no less.
something hit me today. i don't know what it was, my lack of sleep, poor diet, the change in seasons, i could not tell you, but it centered in on my body today and wrecked me. my body has felt weak and useless all day. things i can normally do without thinking--like climbing a flight of stairs, getting up to go to the bathroom, forming sentences or thoughts--have become long and draining tasks that have completely wiped me of all my strength.
i have been sitting in my bed trying to gather what is going on in my head into cohesive thoughts and all i can come up with is how i am just okay. physically...mentally...spiritually, i am worn out. i have been listening to a couple sermons this week and the lord, through matt, is constantly telling me that i need to get help. i need to get help for what tears me apart inside. i need to be honest about where i struggle. i need to not only diligently ask for the lord's help in prayer but then take the steps to seek it. and i don't desire to be strong anymore, if there is something that has changed about me in the past year, it is this. i no longer desire to stand on the throne i have built for myself, recklessly trying to hold together my crap before it falls apart at my feet, where it is visible and embarrassing. i want to be known. i want to be found out. i want to be honest about where i really am and i want really fellowship that presses in deep to the places that hurt and preaches the gospel. i want accountability. i am starving for relationships that aren't about how cool i can be. i am desperate for people who desire to pursue the depths of who i really am and not because a friendship with me looks intriguing or sexy. i am tired of being cool. give me people that care for me simply because they love you lord, not because i am anything. i would rather be starved for fellowship than be in idolatry.
so here i am, speaking to the lord and not necessarily the people who i know will read my blogspot, i am just okay. you know lord that i am just okay. you know that i struggle. you know that i fear that i am only suppressing the things that make me hurt rather than giving them to you. these thorns in my flesh, that i have spent the past year trying to hide, have become increasingly hard to carry. i know that your power in my weakness is what you desire, and i am asking you to please help me. take these burdens and carry them. show me what it means to be real with people and to get help. show me where i am to run when it feels like the weight of my sin is crashing down on me. my prayer is that you may be my God. my only God whom i seek to serve and love, and that you may work out your glory in me according to your plan. i pray that this weak vessel may be fit for thy use.

silence.

blogspot feels dead. like everyone forgot about it. including myself. like suddenly we dont have enough time to write about our days. write about our God. or maybe we have too much time.
i will write soon.
for now...i have been riding my bike a lot. it's 'free spirit' brand. i've felt free.