Tuesday, August 28, 2007


i found this entry in my journal. it was written february tenth 2007. a period of time in my life where everything was unclear. the feeling of waking up everyday and realizing you don't know how to ride your bike anymore and you have to learn again, from the beginning, everyday.

freedom itself has been an entirely suffocated idea that perplexes and strangles my mind. i'm starting to wonder it liberation looks less like abandoned fields of corn and snow angels in the park and more like eleventh avenue. the thought of becoming has entirely stifled the actual act. stationary in my thoughts is where i am, where i will be until i can perceive the gospel. when the gospel runs through my veins, is my breath, my food. when the grace and redeeming love are shattering in my soul, it is there that i will feel the sunlight of the field and the sweet sweet taste of decembers flakes. 2/10/07

Monday, August 6, 2007

that i might take a sip.

poured out. that's how i feel. God has been pouring out himself all over me in the past year. i hesitate to say that i lead young life sometimes because it's unreal how often the Lord brings people to my feet. yesterday the Lord brought me to a place, floating down a river somewhere in southeast ohio, surrounded by his faithfulness. let me try and describe...(i waver in deciding whether or not to talk about these girls, because i would love for them to be able to read this and not come to the conclusion that i really am as creepy as they once thought.) but it's where the Lord has brought me and continues to bring me, and i love them.

i don't even know where to begin. nat is one of the people that the Lord has used to help me rethink and reaffirm prayer. something about it begin snowy and playing lacrosse--then picking her up from the airport, delivering her champion. my God delivers.
she questions and listens.
i am just excited that Jesus is working in her heart. excited that somewhere somehow he is showing her what love is.
and as i watch the Lord change her, using me only because he can not because he has to, i am learning. learning what love is, how to give it, how to receive it, where it comes from, and where it goes. i am learning that my God is big enough to use anyone and personal enough to use everyone.

this past spring i learned that faith is real. she struggles and hurts. she isn't perfect. something inside of me was relieved, maybe it's because my heart bleeds for the broken, maybe it's because at that moment everything became very authentic. pain. heartache. emotion.
encouraging is an understatement. sometimes i laugh briefly to myself, [not one of those laughs that comes from your stomach and makes your whole body gasp for air, but the laugh that simply makes your lips curve slightly upward and then joy dances in your heart]. i laugh because faith spurs me on in just about everything i set out to do. she gives me feedback about everything and loves young life. more than that, faith loves Jesus. she seeks and questions. she is teachable and dying to be taught. she is God's beloved and one of my best friends.
and i cannot wait to see her change the lives of people around her as she clings to the cross.

i cannot be around her and not simply love everything that she is. Jesus has got to be at the head of that. she is fun and she cares about people but somewhere deep inside the world has broken her. there is something very genuine about being with ali. her heart and soul speak in a way that i have never experienced and to put words to the love that the Lord has given me for this girl would be unfair.
i cannot wait until the day when my God captures the depths of her. i cannot wait until he captures the depths of me...

this is a piece of our God. and i...i am being poured into, by my God, through everything.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

this is not my soul.

previously i have tried to let the journals define myself. steal my life and create a new me. a me that only exists somewhere in the lost world of the internet where almost no one-and yet everyone can find it.
so here i am proclaiming, this is not me. it is pieces of me (not to be confused with jewel's first album). it is a frame. a frame that hangs diligently. pass it by. examine it. repaint it. rework it. it's still just a frame. different memories slip through the edges of good frames. this, is mine.