sometimes when i write i am looking for an audience.
today, i am not.
my soul is shaken. my heart is crying out for relief. freedom.
what am i still doing bent and hunched over--you have bared the burden. your yoke is light yet i a wander like a fool under the full weight of something that doesn't exist.
i want things of the world.
i want to be satisfied by people and i want that to be okay.
i am being torn apart. my God, you are stripping from me again my idols and placing me gently back on my knees. someday i will look up and see that it is the cross you have placed me under. it is the cross that i bow beneath and it is your grace that has lovingly made my sin unattainable. you protect me and i fight with tears. you comfort me and my body aches for what cannot satisfy. fighting against sweaty palms that beat for what kills. you control my heart.
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." [proverbs 16:25]
you are my God, whom i turn from daily.
you are my Lord, whom i cannot seem to trust.
you are my Savior, that i deny i need.
you are my Father, and i cannot see your love.
you are my everything, and my heart is filled with grief when i loose sight.
my idols let me down.
they are not sufficient.
they do not fill.
they will not last.
you are my love. make your face known to me.
And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness. [psalm 17:15]
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek [psalm 27:8]
Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
[1 chronicles 16:10-11]
"this is all that i can say right now. i know it's not much. this is all that i can give...and that's my everything."
Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me. [hosea 5:15]
thank you that i have a savior. that the work of my hands is not what permits me to come to my God. my hands are unfaithful. i pray for your face.