no bad news

heaven awaits. I believe that it's soon.

I am ready.

Two days ago I wrote about how I want change. I want the idols, that I seek for my worth, to be ripped from my tired hands. I want to be forced to change. I wrote that less than two days ago and I am already experiencing the weight of those prayers. I feel hurt by how people treat me. I gauge my worth on affection displayed toward me. I am heartbroken by the smallest of details. Sitting here in my room I can feel that I have fallen into idolatry. I feel like I am in a constant state of idolatry. A constant state of pleading for other people and things to love me. I see myself clearly. I see how you have pulled me out of the mess I get myself into. I see how I am trying to spin webs of safety and comfort in my relationships with people. I see how I surround myself with a multitude of relationships that are deep enough to sustain me if one fails. I see how I run from one person to another. I see that I cannot simply get rid of people but I need to get rid of the sin. I am overwhelmed because I see this pattern, this pattern of idolatry, this pattern of whoring myself out, or worse, convincing other people that it is good and godly for them to fill my needs. I want to be done. I have seen incredible freedom from the chains of idolatry in the past as you have ripped me from blatant sin. But I see myself clearly. A sinner who is entangled with the desire to run after futile things. Not only are they futile but they are killing me.

These are the thoughts that bring me here. To a place where I want to be married, want to be stripped from the life I am living now. I am aware that sin will follow me, but I am ready to feel alone, as Gomer did when she could no longer find her lovers. I am ready to seek my idols and not be able to find them. I am ready to sit under my husbands authority as he loves me and speaks the gospel over my hurting heart. I am ready to be drawn to you. I want intimacy. I am ready. My heart and my soul cry out to know you, the living God. It is because of this realization and this yearning that I can say I am ready. I am ready to be married because I trust you are doing a work in me and I want you God. I want you. I am ready.

change.

Change. I don't think I'm ready, but I definitely want it. I want the things I cling to for my worth to be ripped from my hands. I want to stumble through what it looks like to be married...to live with a boy...to have a family. I want to be challenged. I want to cry really hard and run into the arms of the God who has always loved me. I want intimacy with the Lord. I want him to be what I seek and I want to be his. Maybe I am ready for change. My sinful heart would disagree but seeking the fleeting pleasures of my heart is not what I desire. I want intimacy with my God.