i'm just okay.

i am okay. sitting on the third floor of this random duplex house that has become my home over the past year, and i'm okay. no more. no less.
something hit me today. i don't know what it was, my lack of sleep, poor diet, the change in seasons, i could not tell you, but it centered in on my body today and wrecked me. my body has felt weak and useless all day. things i can normally do without thinking--like climbing a flight of stairs, getting up to go to the bathroom, forming sentences or thoughts--have become long and draining tasks that have completely wiped me of all my strength.
i have been sitting in my bed trying to gather what is going on in my head into cohesive thoughts and all i can come up with is how i am just okay. physically...mentally...spiritually, i am worn out. i have been listening to a couple sermons this week and the lord, through matt, is constantly telling me that i need to get help. i need to get help for what tears me apart inside. i need to be honest about where i struggle. i need to not only diligently ask for the lord's help in prayer but then take the steps to seek it. and i don't desire to be strong anymore, if there is something that has changed about me in the past year, it is this. i no longer desire to stand on the throne i have built for myself, recklessly trying to hold together my crap before it falls apart at my feet, where it is visible and embarrassing. i want to be known. i want to be found out. i want to be honest about where i really am and i want really fellowship that presses in deep to the places that hurt and preaches the gospel. i want accountability. i am starving for relationships that aren't about how cool i can be. i am desperate for people who desire to pursue the depths of who i really am and not because a friendship with me looks intriguing or sexy. i am tired of being cool. give me people that care for me simply because they love you lord, not because i am anything. i would rather be starved for fellowship than be in idolatry.
so here i am, speaking to the lord and not necessarily the people who i know will read my blogspot, i am just okay. you know lord that i am just okay. you know that i struggle. you know that i fear that i am only suppressing the things that make me hurt rather than giving them to you. these thorns in my flesh, that i have spent the past year trying to hide, have become increasingly hard to carry. i know that your power in my weakness is what you desire, and i am asking you to please help me. take these burdens and carry them. show me what it means to be real with people and to get help. show me where i am to run when it feels like the weight of my sin is crashing down on me. my prayer is that you may be my God. my only God whom i seek to serve and love, and that you may work out your glory in me according to your plan. i pray that this weak vessel may be fit for thy use.