Tuesday, January 20, 2009

this again.

she had four white stallions coming around the bend...
four more seasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more reasons why i can't go back there again.
God how i hate myself for still wanting her.
damn these nights are dreaming visions soft and sure,
cause i wake to find there's nothing left of me in her,
nothing more than a heart still at war.
she had four white stallions coming around the bend,
four strong angels already sinned.
i got four good reasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more seasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more reasons why i can't go back there again.
i got four good reasons why i can't go back there again.

i want to be okay. to not just be okay but to be content and satisfied in the Lord. i want to rid myself of the things that call out for my affectionate embraces. i know that the only way i can do that and do that well is to love the Lord infinitely more. to know the Lord more. to be more consumed with Him.
sometimes i want to wish away the hurt. i want to instantly be healed. i want things to be better, to get what i want, or not, but at least to be okay. i know that my thorns cannot be wished away. so i pray. and i plead. that i might get to see freedom on this side of eternity, and if not then i pray i would be falling more in love with you as you call me to be obedient and faithful to your word.
relying on truth.
pleading in prayer for my soul.
repenting daily where i fall short.
making my weaknesses known to the people around me.
being obedient when the Spirit calls.
knowing the gospel that has saved me.
meditating on the word.
constantly coming back to the throne of grace.
this is all i know. this is where i have found myself. and it's good, because God is good, and he loves me deeply and fully. this again. it's always back to this again.


i think we are addicted to being obsessed with things, people.
i hate how attractive obsession is. to be so into something that you can rarely think about anything else. i want to cut that out. i no longer want to be obsessed with things, obsessed with people.
may i have a steadfast obsession for the Lord that leaves me with no desire or room to seek that kind of affection in anything else.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


"debauchery. to have no control over something. whatever that thing is, maybe it's porn, maybe it's a self image that makes yourself throw up, maybe it's drugs and alcohol, but debauchery is that thing that when we're over here and we're away from it we can tell you all about it. we're like it's not right, this is what it does in my life, and this is how it destroys me, and this is why it isn't good, and this is the fruit of it, and it's dark, and i hate it and i don't want to do it. but as we get near it, it owns us and we will rationalize and jump over all the fences that we built around it to get to it. debauchery. that thing that owns us that we just can't say no to. that thing that over here we say it's not right it's not healthy and i shouldn't do it, but then we'll rationalize around all our defense mechanisms and get there. it's dark. that sound like freedom to you?"


i have gained an obsession for the song picture by sheryl crow and kid rock. i used to hate it because it was significantly over played and kid rock is annoying, but recently it's been playing constantly in my car, by choice.
i am not entirely sure where this is going, but i am stirred to write, so i will.
i think that this song has been comforting to me. something about breaking the chains between relationships that tie you down in idolatry and no longer being dependent. something about not talking to someone for three damn nights and being okay. i understand that they aren't okay in the song, but i want to be. it would be lie to say that i am okay, that i do not struggle with idolatry, that i don't put people in positions to try and satisfy my soul, but i want to be free. recently i think i have tasted some of that. life is hard. (it's so encouraging to me that piper talks frequently about life being hard. about the deep waters and pains of midlife and trying to follow the Lord.) a couple sermons have really been turning within me recently. like where paul tells us to stop being infants and get off the bottle. to finally deal seriously with our junk and repent. that we need to be confessing and letting people know where we are weak and where we are hurting. that we need to be serious about that because we will never get solid food, we will never experience the deep things of God if we don't. these ideas have overtaken my mind. i need people to know me deeply. i need there to be a couple people who know how hard it is for me to not want to be known, comfortable, and satisfied in relationships. that's my downfall, my desire to fill my void with people. maybe not even people as a general whole, but a couple specific people, and life is hard. it's hard to not rely on someone to love you when you feel lonely or hurt. it's hard to not make that phone call simply because you know you are only filling the void. it's hard to let relationships go.
i hate change, so watching any relationship shift and move in my life is difficult, but what about when that relationship owned you. (maybe no one will know what i'm talking about and that's fine. to be honest i forget that people will read this. i would rather they didn't to be honest. know that i am not writing this for people. i don't desire approval, that's what i'm saying, i don't want it. in some weird way this is a conversation between me and the Lord, that's all.) what about when you were apart of a relationship that completely owned you. your self worth, comfort, and joy came from that relationship. you banked on being supported and loved by that person. what about when you have to let that one go? what about when that entire relationship changes because they don't love you anymore? and it's okay because you know that they could never really fill you in the long run anyways, and you know that it is the Lord's plan to release your hands from the things of this world and focus your eyes on him, but how painful is the next 2, 5, 10, 30 years? those years where you constantly have to remind yourself that knowing the Lords and being known by Him is better. not only better but it's only. the only place there is life. how painful is it when your world is rocked and turned upside down because the thing you love the most isn't the Lord. and you want the the Lord and you want to know Him more and fully, but loosing that thing, releasing our hands is so painfully hard. pleading. weeping. sweating blood. life is hard and God is good. Jesus and the cross have become even more precious as i am constantly reminded how deep this inherent sin is within me.
so i scream the words to that song knowing that the Lord is changing me. it hurts but i know that something is different. there are tears and pain in the offering but Jesus it is for you and i give it up that i may know you and be known by you. may i put the pictures away, my idols the things that own me. may i release them because of a greater love for you. may i give them up because i want to, not because i have to or because i am mad that they don't fill me anymore. i am hurt and you are healing my heart. i received that from the cross. thank you.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

i am fine.

in song lyrics i am...

thinking it's been a long december and there is reason to believe that this year will be better than the last.
i am covered in skin, no one gets to come in.
this dizzy life is just a hanging tree.
i wanna be bob dylan.
pull me out from inside.
trying to remember so i don't disappear.
cause i, i want to be someone who believes.
that's when i know i have to get out because i have been there before.
hey, i can bleed as well as anyone, but i need someone to help me sleep.
and i've been up all night, i might sleep all day.
just waiting for the daylight to come crawling in on me.
she's suddenly beautiful, we all want something beautiful.
coffee black and egg white.
sha la, la, la, la, la, la.
well i'm alive, i'm alive, but im sinking in.
but i loved like a fountain, and it left me with nothing.
i gotta get out of here and go walking in the sun.
you know i gotta get out, but im stuck so tight
weighted by the chains that keep me.
but it all keeps coming back in the morning.
and nobody knows me.
i am taffy stuck and tongue tied.
way, way, way, way, too long.
after all the dreaming i come home again.
i am ready, i am fine.


do we write for comments?
i don't want to. i don't want to write for you anymore.
nothing against you.
i like you.
it's me i don't like.
my sin. my pride. my comfort. health wealth and prosperity. i have heard too much joel osteen and rod parsley today. elaina and i watch them and then yell things at the tv. i love wasting my time with her.
they make me crazy. honestly i get angry. like something inside of me is going to burst. how do people not see. is this message freeing to you? is this honestly the gospel your ears have longed to hear?
it's something in me that screams for comfort.
begs to be known. will plead and sob to be loved.
that's who i don't like.
i don't like the desire that owns me. that destroys me.
it's not you its me.
joel it might be you. it might be you i don't like. my question is, in your heart do you honestly see nothing wrong with the "gospel" you are preaching? i want to know the condition of your heart. i think you might not know that it's false. maybe you do. whatever.
jesus' blood never fails me.
tell me how the blood fixes this mess. the mess i daily find myself in. submersed in sin. i am inherently sinful. how is that washed? when do i feel clean? when is the weight of this broken sinful world going to lift. going to lift enough that i can breathe.


i sold my piano

in case you should wonder and wanted to find me
i'm traveling homeward to washington square...