Wednesday, March 3, 2010

this is where I am.

On Sunday night a good friend and I got into my car and drove. We drove all the way through the night. When the sun came up we were in Maryland and we were exhausted. It was the scariest drive of my life. I was driving up and down mountains on narrow two lane roads. Snow covered the ground as the road curved to the right and then sharply back to the left. I don't remember the last time I was so aware of my life. I knew that at any moment my tires could hit an icy patch in the road and the Santa Fe, that has been so faithful for the past five years, could spin in any direction it desired. I would find myself without control and defenseless to the steep cliff on my left. I was terrified, but there was no way to turn around. There was no alternative route. There was no better option. The road in front of me was the only way and all I could do was pray for the sun to come up. All I could do was pray that another deer didn't run out in front of me. Pray that a car did not come barreling into my lane.
This was the beginning of my week. A road trip that was spurred on by my desire to get away from the life I am currently living. My roommate keeps telling me I am running from my problems. I think I just needed a second to breathe. A second to not think and just go. A second to feel like school and the expectations placed on me don't matter. I am thankful that a friend who loves my soul accompanied me.
A stumbling block has been set before me. I am tempted by the world. I am praying that I would see these things and people as enemies to my life and joy and not as a worthy option. I feel confused. I am praying that this is accomplishing your glory in me. Either way, this is where I am. Overwhelmed by the weight of school. Wanting to love people with more than myself but not knowing how. Fighting to not indulge myself recklessly into the world for the sake of a "cool friendship". Longing for spring break. This is where I am.