Friday, February 12, 2010

he is jealous for me.

[i've tried to start this post in six different ways. nothing was sufficient.]

The Lord is good and He loves me so dearly. Of this, I am confident tonight. He is jealous for me.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

coffee will be better in heaven.

I have an addiction to coffee.
Not just a dependency on the caffeine, but I really love coffee. I love coffee in the morning, afternoon, and in the evening. I like it black. The darker the better. I like Starbucks, not simply because of their catchy corporation and ability to monopolize the market for a $4 latte, I love Starbucks because, to me, it's the boldest coffee tastes. I like when it's bitter. A lot of my friends who would call themselves "coffee experts" hate Starbucks because they burn their beans when they roast them, regardless, I like it.
[This is where Jody would warn me of the dangers of being addicted to Starbucks coffee. She would tell me the stats on how it has three times as much caffeine as a normal cup. To this...I have no response.]
I often think of the Lord during my morning cup. I love coffee, but even the boldest cup doesn't seem like enough. Something in me desires coffee to be more, to be deeper, to be richer. I don't think this is simply because Starbucks burns their beans. I think this is because we were created for something bigger, something with more glory. I love that coffee reminds me of this. I love that I am able to taste that there is something more. I don't know for sure but I think coffee will be better in heaven.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

comfort in consistency.

My fingers have been aching to write.
Sitting in this old duplex house on Hunter Ave always gets me thinking. It's strange that I live here. Strange that I moved in with five girls that I barely knew. Strange that time is moving so fast. I know that I am going to wake up and thirty years will have past. This house, with its uneven stairs and unwelcoming furniture, will be a faint memory to me. I will be hard pressed to remember the exact shape of my room or the way the air feels heavy and hot in the summer. I will struggle to remember, but right now, I am sitting in my room. When we first looked at this house in the winter of 06 my room didn't exist. It was a half kitchen with low ceiling and an impractical counter top. They assured us it would be a fifth bedroom by the time we moved in. I have always loved that about my room because I know that I am the first to really inhabit it. I am the first to make this small cave into a room, this is my space. My space...but nothing is mine. I will move out of here in six months and will have no claim over this space. It will no longer be filled with books, letters, and pictures that i love. It will be someone else's space. Someone else wouldn't know what I have learned inside these walls. They wouldn't know the conversations about the Lord that have been had in here. They wouldn't know the confession and sin that has happened . They wouldn't know the sleepovers and friendships made. They wouldn't know the nights I have sobbed my eyes out. They wouldn't know about all the early mornings and cups of coffee. They wouldn't know where my knees have sunk into this carpet, pleading to know my God. They wouldn't know.
I have been thinking about change a lot recently. I know that I am on the brink of change and I so desperately want peace in this. I know I am leaving behind the college life I lived. I am leaving behind the young life community that has been formed on south campus. I am leaving behind living in a house of girls and the consistency of always having someone around. I am trying to remind myself of the journey I am on. The journey that is wrapped up in God's sovereignty and grace. The journey that ends with the homeland he has created. I press on towards things in my future that make me nervous because I know I am closer to obtaining this salvation.
My good friends Jody and Mark got married a few days ago. This puts and angst in me for the future. It seems that Kevin and I will be walking through the next stage of our life with these two and seeing them get married was beautiful. A beautiful picture of the gospel and Jesus the bridegroom and a beautiful encouragement of what the Lord is going to do in coming years.
Sitting in this old duplex house on Hunter Ave always gets me thinking. I am excited to be changed and refined in this next stage of life. I am excited to enter into a covenant that bleeds the gospel. I am also excited to be where I am. For the next six months I am in this duplex on south campus. I don't want to simply look forward to what is ahead but to seek knowing my God where I am. There is incredible freedom in pursuing the Lord. It means that my comfort does not reside in a room, a place, a person, or a familiar memory. It is not in a certain community, a cool friendship, or how I am loved. It's not in my age or my accomplishments. My comfort is in the living God and my God does not change.