"doing well..."

i want to know Christ.
i want to deeply push into him and know him how he really is.
i don't want to be consumed by "good christianity".
christianity that asks:
did i spend time with the lord?
am i memorizing scripture?
are people keeping me accountable?
AM I DOING WELL?
am i surrounded by fellowship?
am i loving people well?

don't misunderstand me, these questions are good questions, and they are probably things we need to be asking ourselves more, but for me, right now, i hate the questions. the perfect sequence of questions that if answered correctly mean that i am successfully doing christianity. i've spent a good portion of my life seeking to be the right answers, as if following Jesus somehow means i have to be "doing well". what is doing well anyways? i hate that question.
i have found myself in this place, where i desperately want to know Christ. i'm falling short everyday. i choose to not spend time with him. i choose my sin over righteousness. i choose to be loved by the world instead of knowing truth. in doing these things i have completely exhausted myself. i am let down and worn out. i feel abandoned by the relationships and idols i have tried to surround myself with, all the while i know that it is Christ who loves me and defines me. it is you Jesus who knows me and comforts me. you understand. you are consistent. you are all the things that i am so helplessly seeking for other people to be for me.
so i am here. i feel helpless because it seems as much as i try to push into Christ i can't be satisfied. it seems like every time i begin to wrap my mind around truth satan shows up and starts talking. it seems impossible for me to loosen my grip around some of my idols. if i were to be honest with people, like really honest, i would tell them that i have been fighting for a few years to put some of these idols to death. i sob till i can't cry anymore. constantly battling lies in my head. trying to break down my justifications. constantly having to remind myself where my worth comes from and who it is that does love me. trying to believe that it's enough. i spend days without food so that i can remember to pray my heart out for this thing that kills my joy. i want a new heart, i want a heart that doesn't struggle with this anymore. so often i feel like paul (which is something i cannot often say, but in this one circumstance), i feel like paul wrestling with God, begging him to take the thorn away. i pray that this thing wouldn't own me. i pray that i could worship you. know you deeply. if "my grace is sufficient for you" is the answer i am receiving then i pray you would give me a better understanding of your grace.
maybe i am describing the battle that everyone feels. this struggle to want to know God. love him passionately. maybe other people really do understand this moment when everything catches up to you and you know you aren't following Christ because it's cute or even because it is "the best way". all of a sudden you are following Christ because it seems like in him is the only way you can breathe. in this moment when the weight of being inherently sinful catches up to us. like we can feel the tearing of our soul. like the gravity of being broken and living in a broken world pushes down on us, crushing everything we thought we knew. it's this moment where my lips repeat, i need to know you. i want to know you. please God. i am pleading with you. i beg that i could know you. i want to know you. i need you. i want you to be enough. may i be obsessed with you. i plead.