It begins now.

I want to know Jesus more than I do now. I need a plan and accountability for this to happen because on my own I am lazy and weak. My natural desires are flawed and lead to death. Things are going to happen. I am tired of being a woman who does not live what she knows and learns. I want to apply the truths that I know. I want to actually repent, turning from what I know is wicked and evil. There is a plan for all of this to happen and it begins now not at the new year. Amen.

Adoption.

Adoption. I have been thinking a lot about adoption. Not because I am considering it, but because my God says that he has adopted me. I am now his child and his Spirit dwells within me. At community group someone was talking about their friend adopting four children. Four children, at the same time, all under the age of three. All I could think was, "oh my gosh, how much did that cost?". Sometimes I wonder why adoption is so expensive when there are thousands of kids in need. It is expensive so that not just anyone can adopt a child. There is protection in the expense. This got me thinking about my adoption and how it wasn't just a choice God made but it came with a huge price. My adoption was not cheap. It was so expensive that God was the only one qualified to pay the fee. I have been bought into a new family at an astronomical price that no one but my Father was eligible to pay. Amen.

woman of the Lord

I haven't written in seven months. It is no longer February and my life has changed significantly since the last time I was here. To be quite honest, this post is daunting to me. There is too much to say, too much to explain, too much to wrap my mind around and vomit out into words. Things have changed. Let's leave it at that for now.
What I want to talk about is an idea that has been swirling around my head for the past few weeks. What does it mean to be a women of the Lord? What does it mean to be someone who is seriously committed to pursuing all that God is for me in Jesus? To believe that the kingdom is at hand and salvation is soon? To be loved, valued, and comforted by the God who has saved me? To be dependent on the one who created, who created this restless seeking heart? What does this look like?
I want these things because I have seen the alternative and know that it doesn't satisfy, but more importantly I want these things because I have gotten glimpses of who God is and I want more.
Being married has forced me to see a lot of sin that dwells deeply in my heart and fists. It has shown me where I fail to believe that God is real and sufficient. Seeing these pitfalls has opened my eyes, but at the same time, trying to fix the sinful places in our relationship has made me very narrow minded. I have become obsessed with the issues and am no longer seeking to be a woman of holiness. It has recently occurred to me that the woman that I am around my husband is the same woman who interacts with unbelievers. The woman who desires to pray and disciple younger women is the same woman who struggles to love her husband and submit under his authority. Maybe this doesn't make sense, but I am learning that I don"t get to segment my life. I am a woman who is relentlessly pursuing my God and sanctification, or I am not.

this is where I am.

On Sunday night a good friend and I got into my car and drove. We drove all the way through the night. When the sun came up we were in Maryland and we were exhausted. It was the scariest drive of my life. I was driving up and down mountains on narrow two lane roads. Snow covered the ground as the road curved to the right and then sharply back to the left. I don't remember the last time I was so aware of my life. I knew that at any moment my tires could hit an icy patch in the road and the Santa Fe, that has been so faithful for the past five years, could spin in any direction it desired. I would find myself without control and defenseless to the steep cliff on my left. I was terrified, but there was no way to turn around. There was no alternative route. There was no better option. The road in front of me was the only way and all I could do was pray for the sun to come up. All I could do was pray that another deer didn't run out in front of me. Pray that a car did not come barreling into my lane.
This was the beginning of my week. A road trip that was spurred on by my desire to get away from the life I am currently living. My roommate keeps telling me I am running from my problems. I think I just needed a second to breathe. A second to not think and just go. A second to feel like school and the expectations placed on me don't matter. I am thankful that a friend who loves my soul accompanied me.
A stumbling block has been set before me. I am tempted by the world. I am praying that I would see these things and people as enemies to my life and joy and not as a worthy option. I feel confused. I am praying that this is accomplishing your glory in me. Either way, this is where I am. Overwhelmed by the weight of school. Wanting to love people with more than myself but not knowing how. Fighting to not indulge myself recklessly into the world for the sake of a "cool friendship". Longing for spring break. This is where I am.

he is jealous for me.

[i've tried to start this post in six different ways. nothing was sufficient.]

The Lord is good and He loves me so dearly. Of this, I am confident tonight. He is jealous for me.

coffee will be better in heaven.

I have an addiction to coffee.
Not just a dependency on the caffeine, but I really love coffee. I love coffee in the morning, afternoon, and in the evening. I like it black. The darker the better. I like Starbucks, not simply because of their catchy corporation and ability to monopolize the market for a $4 latte, I love Starbucks because, to me, it's the boldest coffee tastes. I like when it's bitter. A lot of my friends who would call themselves "coffee experts" hate Starbucks because they burn their beans when they roast them, regardless, I like it.
[This is where Jody would warn me of the dangers of being addicted to Starbucks coffee. She would tell me the stats on how it has three times as much caffeine as a normal cup. To this...I have no response.]
I often think of the Lord during my morning cup. I love coffee, but even the boldest cup doesn't seem like enough. Something in me desires coffee to be more, to be deeper, to be richer. I don't think this is simply because Starbucks burns their beans. I think this is because we were created for something bigger, something with more glory. I love that coffee reminds me of this. I love that I am able to taste that there is something more. I don't know for sure but I think coffee will be better in heaven.

comfort in consistency.

My fingers have been aching to write.
Sitting in this old duplex house on Hunter Ave always gets me thinking. It's strange that I live here. Strange that I moved in with five girls that I barely knew. Strange that time is moving so fast. I know that I am going to wake up and thirty years will have past. This house, with its uneven stairs and unwelcoming furniture, will be a faint memory to me. I will be hard pressed to remember the exact shape of my room or the way the air feels heavy and hot in the summer. I will struggle to remember, but right now, I am sitting in my room. When we first looked at this house in the winter of 06 my room didn't exist. It was a half kitchen with low ceiling and an impractical counter top. They assured us it would be a fifth bedroom by the time we moved in. I have always loved that about my room because I know that I am the first to really inhabit it. I am the first to make this small cave into a room, this is my space. My space...but nothing is mine. I will move out of here in six months and will have no claim over this space. It will no longer be filled with books, letters, and pictures that i love. It will be someone else's space. Someone else wouldn't know what I have learned inside these walls. They wouldn't know the conversations about the Lord that have been had in here. They wouldn't know the confession and sin that has happened . They wouldn't know the sleepovers and friendships made. They wouldn't know the nights I have sobbed my eyes out. They wouldn't know about all the early mornings and cups of coffee. They wouldn't know where my knees have sunk into this carpet, pleading to know my God. They wouldn't know.
I have been thinking about change a lot recently. I know that I am on the brink of change and I so desperately want peace in this. I know I am leaving behind the college life I lived. I am leaving behind the young life community that has been formed on south campus. I am leaving behind living in a house of girls and the consistency of always having someone around. I am trying to remind myself of the journey I am on. The journey that is wrapped up in God's sovereignty and grace. The journey that ends with the homeland he has created. I press on towards things in my future that make me nervous because I know I am closer to obtaining this salvation.
My good friends Jody and Mark got married a few days ago. This puts and angst in me for the future. It seems that Kevin and I will be walking through the next stage of our life with these two and seeing them get married was beautiful. A beautiful picture of the gospel and Jesus the bridegroom and a beautiful encouragement of what the Lord is going to do in coming years.
Sitting in this old duplex house on Hunter Ave always gets me thinking. I am excited to be changed and refined in this next stage of life. I am excited to enter into a covenant that bleeds the gospel. I am also excited to be where I am. For the next six months I am in this duplex on south campus. I don't want to simply look forward to what is ahead but to seek knowing my God where I am. There is incredible freedom in pursuing the Lord. It means that my comfort does not reside in a room, a place, a person, or a familiar memory. It is not in a certain community, a cool friendship, or how I am loved. It's not in my age or my accomplishments. My comfort is in the living God and my God does not change.

no bad news

heaven awaits. I believe that it's soon.

I am ready.

Two days ago I wrote about how I want change. I want the idols, that I seek for my worth, to be ripped from my tired hands. I want to be forced to change. I wrote that less than two days ago and I am already experiencing the weight of those prayers. I feel hurt by how people treat me. I gauge my worth on affection displayed toward me. I am heartbroken by the smallest of details. Sitting here in my room I can feel that I have fallen into idolatry. I feel like I am in a constant state of idolatry. A constant state of pleading for other people and things to love me. I see myself clearly. I see how you have pulled me out of the mess I get myself into. I see how I am trying to spin webs of safety and comfort in my relationships with people. I see how I surround myself with a multitude of relationships that are deep enough to sustain me if one fails. I see how I run from one person to another. I see that I cannot simply get rid of people but I need to get rid of the sin. I am overwhelmed because I see this pattern, this pattern of idolatry, this pattern of whoring myself out, or worse, convincing other people that it is good and godly for them to fill my needs. I want to be done. I have seen incredible freedom from the chains of idolatry in the past as you have ripped me from blatant sin. But I see myself clearly. A sinner who is entangled with the desire to run after futile things. Not only are they futile but they are killing me.

These are the thoughts that bring me here. To a place where I want to be married, want to be stripped from the life I am living now. I am aware that sin will follow me, but I am ready to feel alone, as Gomer did when she could no longer find her lovers. I am ready to seek my idols and not be able to find them. I am ready to sit under my husbands authority as he loves me and speaks the gospel over my hurting heart. I am ready to be drawn to you. I want intimacy. I am ready. My heart and my soul cry out to know you, the living God. It is because of this realization and this yearning that I can say I am ready. I am ready to be married because I trust you are doing a work in me and I want you God. I want you. I am ready.

change.

Change. I don't think I'm ready, but I definitely want it. I want the things I cling to for my worth to be ripped from my hands. I want to stumble through what it looks like to be married...to live with a boy...to have a family. I want to be challenged. I want to cry really hard and run into the arms of the God who has always loved me. I want intimacy with the Lord. I want him to be what I seek and I want to be his. Maybe I am ready for change. My sinful heart would disagree but seeking the fleeting pleasures of my heart is not what I desire. I want intimacy with my God.