this again.

she had four white stallions coming around the bend...
four more seasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more reasons why i can't go back there again.
God how i hate myself for still wanting her.
damn these nights are dreaming visions soft and sure,
cause i wake to find there's nothing left of me in her,
nothing more than a heart still at war.
she had four white stallions coming around the bend,
four strong angels already sinned.
i got four good reasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more seasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more reasons why i can't go back there again.
i got four good reasons why i can't go back there again.

i want to be okay. to not just be okay but to be content and satisfied in the Lord. i want to rid myself of the things that call out for my affectionate embraces. i know that the only way i can do that and do that well is to love the Lord infinitely more. to know the Lord more. to be more consumed with Him.
sometimes i want to wish away the hurt. i want to instantly be healed. i want things to be better, to get what i want, or not, but at least to be okay. i know that my thorns cannot be wished away. so i pray. and i plead. that i might get to see freedom on this side of eternity, and if not then i pray i would be falling more in love with you as you call me to be obedient and faithful to your word.
relying on truth.
pleading in prayer for my soul.
repenting daily where i fall short.
making my weaknesses known to the people around me.
being obedient when the Spirit calls.
knowing the gospel that has saved me.
meditating on the word.
constantly coming back to the throne of grace.
this is all i know. this is where i have found myself. and it's good, because God is good, and he loves me deeply and fully. this again. it's always back to this again.