picture.

i have gained an obsession for the song picture by sheryl crow and kid rock. i used to hate it because it was significantly over played and kid rock is annoying, but recently it's been playing constantly in my car, by choice.
i am not entirely sure where this is going, but i am stirred to write, so i will.
i think that this song has been comforting to me. something about breaking the chains between relationships that tie you down in idolatry and no longer being dependent. something about not talking to someone for three damn nights and being okay. i understand that they aren't okay in the song, but i want to be. it would be lie to say that i am okay, that i do not struggle with idolatry, that i don't put people in positions to try and satisfy my soul, but i want to be free. recently i think i have tasted some of that. life is hard. (it's so encouraging to me that piper talks frequently about life being hard. about the deep waters and pains of midlife and trying to follow the Lord.) a couple sermons have really been turning within me recently. like where paul tells us to stop being infants and get off the bottle. to finally deal seriously with our junk and repent. that we need to be confessing and letting people know where we are weak and where we are hurting. that we need to be serious about that because we will never get solid food, we will never experience the deep things of God if we don't. these ideas have overtaken my mind. i need people to know me deeply. i need there to be a couple people who know how hard it is for me to not want to be known, comfortable, and satisfied in relationships. that's my downfall, my desire to fill my void with people. maybe not even people as a general whole, but a couple specific people, and life is hard. it's hard to not rely on someone to love you when you feel lonely or hurt. it's hard to not make that phone call simply because you know you are only filling the void. it's hard to let relationships go.
i hate change, so watching any relationship shift and move in my life is difficult, but what about when that relationship owned you. (maybe no one will know what i'm talking about and that's fine. to be honest i forget that people will read this. i would rather they didn't to be honest. know that i am not writing this for people. i don't desire approval, that's what i'm saying, i don't want it. in some weird way this is a conversation between me and the Lord, that's all.) what about when you were apart of a relationship that completely owned you. your self worth, comfort, and joy came from that relationship. you banked on being supported and loved by that person. what about when you have to let that one go? what about when that entire relationship changes because they don't love you anymore? and it's okay because you know that they could never really fill you in the long run anyways, and you know that it is the Lord's plan to release your hands from the things of this world and focus your eyes on him, but how painful is the next 2, 5, 10, 30 years? those years where you constantly have to remind yourself that knowing the Lords and being known by Him is better. not only better but it's only. the only place there is life. how painful is it when your world is rocked and turned upside down because the thing you love the most isn't the Lord. and you want the the Lord and you want to know Him more and fully, but loosing that thing, releasing our hands is so painfully hard. pleading. weeping. sweating blood. life is hard and God is good. Jesus and the cross have become even more precious as i am constantly reminded how deep this inherent sin is within me.
so i scream the words to that song knowing that the Lord is changing me. it hurts but i know that something is different. there are tears and pain in the offering but Jesus it is for you and i give it up that i may know you and be known by you. may i put the pictures away, my idols the things that own me. may i release them because of a greater love for you. may i give them up because i want to, not because i have to or because i am mad that they don't fill me anymore. i am hurt and you are healing my heart. i received that from the cross. thank you.