holiness.

that piper video jacks me up. like it makes me desire holiness.
i have been struggling recently with how easy it is to give in to idolatry. how absolutely terrifying it is when i open my eyes and realize they aren't fixed on Christ. i convince myself that it's okay, and it's not, it never is, never. i must pursue holiness with dedication. the thing is, following Christ is hard. i often feel like a small child who cannot seem to remember how to spell their own name. it brings me comfort to see how much Christ loved his disciples despite their unbelief. how he lovingly taught them despite their inability to understand. thank you that there is grace. i beg that i could be the kind of person that paul wants to be in philippians three. i pray that the desires of my heart would match the work of my hands.
i am not doing well in school. i don't seem to care. nor do i care that i don't care. i pray that i would be pursuing you. i pray that i would be passionate about seeking repentance. i pray that my heart would be steadfast and pure. i pray that you would kill these wicked and sinful desires in me.
i pray that my time with people would not be a product of my desire to be loved and cared for. i beg that it would be a product of my realization that i am fully loved and deeply cared for, in Christ. i pray that i would cling to the gospel, because it's all that i have.

my desire.

what do i want?
i have been thinking about this for the past few weeks. what is it that i want to be known for? what do i want to be committed to? to give my time to, to give all my effort, where am i going to find my value? my comfort? my joy?
the gospel. that's what i want.
it's going to be hard. beautifully hard.

The Gospel

the cross is open. it is open that we may come. we are never in too deep. this is the gospel.

wrung out.

okay, so here's the deal...
i'm wrestling. i'm wrestling with what it is for me to know the Lord. what it is for me to seek him and him alone. what it could possibly mean to live how paul speaks in philippians three.
it's like i think i have a grasp on it, and i'm reading and praying, i'm trying to be obedient and setting up things and people to keep me accountable, and i look like i have it all together, and it's going well, and then all a sudden i wake up in a cold sweat wondering if maybe i'm outside the kingdom of God. like am i doing this right or have i just made myself into a really good "christian". the worst thing is, you can't ask your friends. like i can't sit down with the people who know me well and say, "hey, what do you think? am i actually pursuing the Lord or do i just have the actions down?" i can't do that because i am afraid i do have the actions down. i'm afraid that maybe i am fooling those closest to me as well. maybe this isn't where i'm at. maybe i do get it, and this rough path of helplessly following the Lord is actually glorifying. maybe i am on the path of holiness, but i can't help to think, what if i'm not. i don't think that this is an unhealthy fear for me at this point. i would rather wrestle now than assume that everything is fine and wake up one day and find myself outside the kingdom of God.
so here i am. over the past two weeks i have neglected to deeply pursue God. i have let my friendships and my ministry own me. i have sought people, things, and success for my hope and joy and have been drastically let down. i am wrung out. i have drank far too much coffee. ate puppy chow till i felt sick. relied too much on texting. shamelessly pursued love from those who i claim to share the gospel with. i have been lazy and disobedient.
i have done everything i know to medicate myself. i am tired and i have no life in me.
i know that only Christ gives life. I don't want to dependently seek it from other places. i want my heart to be steadfast. i am thankful that i belong to a throne that is always open, a cross that is constantly washing me clean, and a savior that lives as an intercessor for me.

whom have i in heaven but you?
and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
[psalm 73:25-26]

truth.

Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way youlearned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
[Ephesians 4:17-24]

i need to hear this.

pray.

I hope that this isn't about me. I plead that this worthless attempt to be a light isn't about me, that it isn't about my own glory, that it isn't about my ability to convince anyone of the gospel. I beg the Lord that I am not confused about that because I think it will be absolutely deadly to my ministry and my soul. And so I'm praying, and I'm asking you to pray, and I'm asking you to keep me accountable to prayer.













natalie. I praise the Lord that he has changed this girls life. I know that my words were not convincing. I know that you are the only one that changes hearts. I beg that you would continue to open her eyes. Continue to pursue her and refine her. I pray that this little girl would fall on her knees before the throne of grace. I pray that the curtain being torn would be the greatest news of her life. I am so blessed to be apart of the gospel changing people. Getting to watch death to life.

evan. Lord I beg that you would remove the veil. I beg that you would open her eyes. I pray that the truth that she knows, the gospel she understands, the blood that was shed for her would penetrate her. I pray that it
would be more than doctrine. I pray that you would open her eyes to the glory of your grace. That she would know how much she needs to be saved from her sin and would realize that this grace is for her. The cross is for you evan. This forgiveness, it's for you. This is the only place there is life, the only place there is comfort and freedom, and it is for you.













sarah. Lord I pray that the seed that has been planted would grow. I pray for healthy soil. I pray that she is being fed. Lord I beg that this seed would not be parched, choked out, or eaten up. I pray that I could encourage and teach her but that she would be seeking to learn truth from other places also. I pray that you would use the wounds in her past to lead her to a cross that is full of grace. A cross that bids us to come and die. A cross that offers freedom and complete love.

katie. I pray that she would find herself in need of a savior. I pray she would feel overwhelmed by the weight of living in a broken world. I pray that being a good person would no longer be sufficient. I pray that her heart would be softened to the gospel. That she would realize her need. I pray for boldness in the way I love, live, and speak truth to her. I pray her eyes would be opened.















bethany. May she understand the gospel. May she know that it is the only place there is life. I pray that Philippians three would dig deeply into her heart. I pray she would come to see that nothing is worth comparing to knowing Christ and being found in him. I pray that you would continue to refine her and work out her salvation through fear and trembling. I pray that the gospel that grabbed a hold of her heart would continue to change her.

alice. I beg that she would know her need for a savior. I plead that she would know you. Lord this is not me. If anyone has taught me that I am not capable to change hearts, it is this girl. I beg that she could know you deeply. I pray that you would use her for your glory. I plead that she would get to be apart of this. I ask that you would show me what my role looks like in this and that you would continue to remind me that this is your work that I simply get to be apart of.

ali. Lord I trust you. I trust what you are doing in her heart. I trust that you are working out her salvation and I pray for her salvation. I pray that you would continue to refine her. Tear down walls that she has built. I pray that the true gospel would be made known to her. I pray she could see the glory of the cross. I pray she would know it is for her. I pray it would steal the depths of her soul.

amy. Father, please. This is your work. I pray her heart would be softened. I pray that she would come to the foot of the cross. Lord I pray for my time with her, that I could love and encourage, that truth would be spoken. I pray she would know that the gospel is for her. It doesn't matter where she has been. The gospel is for her.

remind me again.

freedom.
freedom from sin. of which i am promised i will be, and am being, delivered.
freedom from this heavy yolk. that i no longer have to bear the weight. the weight of being broken in a broken world.
freedom from these binding chains. of the things i have done. the things i can't seem to get away from. the things i hate, but still do.
freedom from worthless sacrifices. the curtain is torn.
freedom from my past that haunts me.
freedom from expectations. the future i built in my mind. my skewed idea of perfection.
freedom from my wicked heart and my sinful lusts.
freedom from being loved, known, and comforted by people.
freedom from my fleshly desires. from myself.
freedom to walk in grace and not works.
freedom to be completely known...and still deeply loved and pursued. still a soul you wish to restore.
freedom to count it all as loss. count it all as loss compared to knowing Christ and being found in him.
freedom to worship you.
freedom to know you and be satisfied in you.
freedom.