holiness.

that piper video jacks me up. like it makes me desire holiness.
i have been struggling recently with how easy it is to give in to idolatry. how absolutely terrifying it is when i open my eyes and realize they aren't fixed on Christ. i convince myself that it's okay, and it's not, it never is, never. i must pursue holiness with dedication. the thing is, following Christ is hard. i often feel like a small child who cannot seem to remember how to spell their own name. it brings me comfort to see how much Christ loved his disciples despite their unbelief. how he lovingly taught them despite their inability to understand. thank you that there is grace. i beg that i could be the kind of person that paul wants to be in philippians three. i pray that the desires of my heart would match the work of my hands.
i am not doing well in school. i don't seem to care. nor do i care that i don't care. i pray that i would be pursuing you. i pray that i would be passionate about seeking repentance. i pray that my heart would be steadfast and pure. i pray that you would kill these wicked and sinful desires in me.
i pray that my time with people would not be a product of my desire to be loved and cared for. i beg that it would be a product of my realization that i am fully loved and deeply cared for, in Christ. i pray that i would cling to the gospel, because it's all that i have.