wrung out.

okay, so here's the deal...
i'm wrestling. i'm wrestling with what it is for me to know the Lord. what it is for me to seek him and him alone. what it could possibly mean to live how paul speaks in philippians three.
it's like i think i have a grasp on it, and i'm reading and praying, i'm trying to be obedient and setting up things and people to keep me accountable, and i look like i have it all together, and it's going well, and then all a sudden i wake up in a cold sweat wondering if maybe i'm outside the kingdom of God. like am i doing this right or have i just made myself into a really good "christian". the worst thing is, you can't ask your friends. like i can't sit down with the people who know me well and say, "hey, what do you think? am i actually pursuing the Lord or do i just have the actions down?" i can't do that because i am afraid i do have the actions down. i'm afraid that maybe i am fooling those closest to me as well. maybe this isn't where i'm at. maybe i do get it, and this rough path of helplessly following the Lord is actually glorifying. maybe i am on the path of holiness, but i can't help to think, what if i'm not. i don't think that this is an unhealthy fear for me at this point. i would rather wrestle now than assume that everything is fine and wake up one day and find myself outside the kingdom of God.
so here i am. over the past two weeks i have neglected to deeply pursue God. i have let my friendships and my ministry own me. i have sought people, things, and success for my hope and joy and have been drastically let down. i am wrung out. i have drank far too much coffee. ate puppy chow till i felt sick. relied too much on texting. shamelessly pursued love from those who i claim to share the gospel with. i have been lazy and disobedient.
i have done everything i know to medicate myself. i am tired and i have no life in me.
i know that only Christ gives life. I don't want to dependently seek it from other places. i want my heart to be steadfast. i am thankful that i belong to a throne that is always open, a cross that is constantly washing me clean, and a savior that lives as an intercessor for me.

whom have i in heaven but you?
and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
[psalm 73:25-26]