relationships.

i desire relationships. i want people in my life that will ask me about my soul. i feel like my heart is aching for people who will look me in the face and ask me what i am doing. people who will call out my sin, speak to me the truth of the gospel, and then hold me accountable. i know that in order to have these relationships i need to be real, honest with people, let my friends see what trash i am without fearing that they will turn away. i don't want to be impressive, i want to be holy. i know that the Lord is sanctifying me, but i want more of it.
i see so much of my sin through some of my friendships. people who are gracious and let me be difficult and manipulative. i see the gospel through the way they treat me. through their patience and love i see myself clearly. i am thankful that i have people who love me despite my deep sin, but i crave that they would not let me sit here in my unrighteousness.

i pray that i would know how to lead others to holiness as well.
i pray that you would transform my heart to purge the things that cause me to sin. the things that make the race hard to run.

i pray that my friendships would not be in vain. that i would not have good friends just for the sake of being friends. may our relationships lead us to repent and glory in Christ.
i pray for my friendships with jody, meaghan, mal, leigh, and janis.

i pray that this would be important in my friendship with faith.
i pray that i would not wait for others to call out my sin, but that i would be constantly praying, repenting, getting rid of things from my life, and creating ways to be accountable to those things.
i pray that i would enjoy you Lord.

summer.

in may, i was so excited for the summer. i could not wait to be released from the weight of my classes, having four months of freedom ahead of me. the bliss of summer also meant stomaching a few losses. my lacrosse team, 14 seniors, no longer having some of these familiar faces will change the way i coach, if i do, for the years to come. my roommates, not only does my house disperse during the summer...jobs, classes, camp, summer staff, peru...but three of my roommates will move out soon. our house will be different. i am excited for the change but the end of this era is bittersweet. my sister, in nine days my dad will give this girl away to another man. i love daniel and am glad for my sisters joy and happiness, but the idea of no longer sharing some of our traditions cuts me up inside. these are just a few among many changes that pivot and fall around my summer and as i look back to sitting in the biggs' living room in may, i have already experienced most of the things on that list. mid-july, birthday soon and wedding just around the corner, and half my summer is gone.
it makes me reevaluate what i want from my summer. i pray that i can come out of these four months confidently saying i know the lord better. i plead for that, because i am terrified it wont happen. i am terrified these months of freedom will become about me.
father i thank you for the warmth. i thank you that i have very little responsibilities or obligations this summer. i pray that i would be serious about pursuing your face. like paul i pray that anything that would be a hindrance to this pursuit i would gladly get rid of. that you may taste sweeter than any of my fleshly affections.

broke

for the sake of the world, I thank the Lord, that the truth's not contingent on me.

i want Christ. i can't seem to get this right. i praise you God that it has been paid for, that the battle has been won. i want to know you, but i do the things i do not want to do. my heart hurts. hurts like a whore chasing after her lovers. i can feel gomers pain, as she runs to the things she thought were bringing her love, joy, and comfort, and suddenly she can't reach them. they don't want her anymore.
i desire to be obsessed with the cross but i am failed by my weaknesses. thank you that this faith is not contingent upon my ability. thank you that you are doing things in me that i don't understand.

"wealth and honor I disdain,

earthly comforts, Lord are vain;

these can never satisfy:

give me Christ, or else I die.

all unholy and unclean,

I am nothing but sin;

on thy mercy I rely;

give me Christ, or else I die."

biggs.

it's 3:30am and i'm sitting in the biggs' living room. i can't sleep because i jacked myself up on a pot of coffee not that long ago. i am in the process of filling my head with worthless human nutrition information. things that i don't believe are real, but will inevitably memorize for my midterm. i can't study anymore. these midterms make me nervous because i don't feel like we have learned anything, so i'm sitting at my computer staring at worthless powerpoints thinking, what could possibly be on this test?

breakfast in 2 hours, that will make my stomach ache all the way back to campus...
the end of my third pickerington lacrosse season. i never imagined that this would be the hardest senior class to lose. it is.
getting through the next three weeks of spanish.
rockbridge leader weekend.
north carolina, saranac, counting crows, freedom, sleeping in, heat...
pursuing holiness. philippians three style.
being friends with meaghan.
weddings. change. new roommates.
everyday feels closer to summer. i can't wait. i can't wait.
...i'm going to order french toast.

broken and contrite

i was thinking yesterday...i wonder who reads this.
i wonder if this is what this space should be for me.
i wonder if this should be lighter.

tonight i realized, i don't want to be funny here. i don't need your comments. i don't care who reads this. i pray that this would be a testament to the cross of Christ that has saved me. i pray that these words would not be in vain, but that they would stir up holy praise toward you and you alone God.

things i have been learning...
1) the Holy Spirit is real. living, active, and powerful. you are the voice of God in my heart.
2) there is nothing worth pursuing besides Christ.
3) the previous statement is hard to be obedient to.
4) when i sin, i sin against God and God alone.
5) i am not cool. i have nothing to offer anyone except Christ.
6) sin must be repented of.
7) satan hates me and is wickedly scheming, that i may believe lies. i must know my own gospel.
8) God changes hearts, not me.
9) i must not create castles of sand. the things i have layed up for myself will rust, spoil, and fade. they are defiled and will most likely wage war against my soul, whether sinful or morally neutral.
10) the Son of Man is coming at a time we do not expect, and as his faithful servants, we must be waiting and ready for him. that when he returns we shall not find ourselves asleep or doing evil.

holiness.

that piper video jacks me up. like it makes me desire holiness.
i have been struggling recently with how easy it is to give in to idolatry. how absolutely terrifying it is when i open my eyes and realize they aren't fixed on Christ. i convince myself that it's okay, and it's not, it never is, never. i must pursue holiness with dedication. the thing is, following Christ is hard. i often feel like a small child who cannot seem to remember how to spell their own name. it brings me comfort to see how much Christ loved his disciples despite their unbelief. how he lovingly taught them despite their inability to understand. thank you that there is grace. i beg that i could be the kind of person that paul wants to be in philippians three. i pray that the desires of my heart would match the work of my hands.
i am not doing well in school. i don't seem to care. nor do i care that i don't care. i pray that i would be pursuing you. i pray that i would be passionate about seeking repentance. i pray that my heart would be steadfast and pure. i pray that you would kill these wicked and sinful desires in me.
i pray that my time with people would not be a product of my desire to be loved and cared for. i beg that it would be a product of my realization that i am fully loved and deeply cared for, in Christ. i pray that i would cling to the gospel, because it's all that i have.

my desire.

what do i want?
i have been thinking about this for the past few weeks. what is it that i want to be known for? what do i want to be committed to? to give my time to, to give all my effort, where am i going to find my value? my comfort? my joy?
the gospel. that's what i want.
it's going to be hard. beautifully hard.