i'm just okay.

i am okay. sitting on the third floor of this random duplex house that has become my home over the past year, and i'm okay. no more. no less.
something hit me today. i don't know what it was, my lack of sleep, poor diet, the change in seasons, i could not tell you, but it centered in on my body today and wrecked me. my body has felt weak and useless all day. things i can normally do without thinking--like climbing a flight of stairs, getting up to go to the bathroom, forming sentences or thoughts--have become long and draining tasks that have completely wiped me of all my strength.
i have been sitting in my bed trying to gather what is going on in my head into cohesive thoughts and all i can come up with is how i am just okay. physically...mentally...spiritually, i am worn out. i have been listening to a couple sermons this week and the lord, through matt, is constantly telling me that i need to get help. i need to get help for what tears me apart inside. i need to be honest about where i struggle. i need to not only diligently ask for the lord's help in prayer but then take the steps to seek it. and i don't desire to be strong anymore, if there is something that has changed about me in the past year, it is this. i no longer desire to stand on the throne i have built for myself, recklessly trying to hold together my crap before it falls apart at my feet, where it is visible and embarrassing. i want to be known. i want to be found out. i want to be honest about where i really am and i want really fellowship that presses in deep to the places that hurt and preaches the gospel. i want accountability. i am starving for relationships that aren't about how cool i can be. i am desperate for people who desire to pursue the depths of who i really am and not because a friendship with me looks intriguing or sexy. i am tired of being cool. give me people that care for me simply because they love you lord, not because i am anything. i would rather be starved for fellowship than be in idolatry.
so here i am, speaking to the lord and not necessarily the people who i know will read my blogspot, i am just okay. you know lord that i am just okay. you know that i struggle. you know that i fear that i am only suppressing the things that make me hurt rather than giving them to you. these thorns in my flesh, that i have spent the past year trying to hide, have become increasingly hard to carry. i know that your power in my weakness is what you desire, and i am asking you to please help me. take these burdens and carry them. show me what it means to be real with people and to get help. show me where i am to run when it feels like the weight of my sin is crashing down on me. my prayer is that you may be my God. my only God whom i seek to serve and love, and that you may work out your glory in me according to your plan. i pray that this weak vessel may be fit for thy use.

silence.

blogspot feels dead. like everyone forgot about it. including myself. like suddenly we dont have enough time to write about our days. write about our God. or maybe we have too much time.
i will write soon.
for now...i have been riding my bike a lot. it's 'free spirit' brand. i've felt free.

rejoice in this divine romance.

for the past week i have been running.
last tuesday was one of those days where i just felt gross. i hadn't worked out in a while and my body was beginning to feel lethargic. so i ran. i ran to gooddale park and stopped. i was winded and worn out, but the park was beautiful and i layed on a bench for thirty minutes just looking into the sky.
i have tried to commit myself to running for years. i usually get about three days in and then i remember how much i hate running. how my body aches and my throat burns and the only thing i like about running is being done with running. but by sunday this week i was craving it. i have been running to sermons and thinking about the lord. i run through the nearly abandoned streets of victorian village, where the roads sit quietly and there aren't other runners to decide my pace. i just run. occasionally i get to wave to couples sitting on their porch or a cat crossing the sidewalk will change my pace. but for the most part, i just run.
my roommates are weirded out. honestly, honestly, it's just good time with the lord. i don't really care about being in shape. (i mean i do to an extent, because i'm a girl.) but for the most part it is just beautiful time. and because i am not focused on how much i run or how fast, but rather focused on the lord, i am able to run like i have never ran.
the point of all of this is that i could tell you about tonight...
today i didn't really feel like running but as the evening approached i put on my shoes and headed out. i wasn't even to king ave and i could feel that today was going to be different. my body felt great. i made my way well past my regular path and down into the city. i was breathing fine and actually enjoying myself. running back to campus, through the allies, i watched the sun set over houses. purple and pink clouds caught my vision as i moved out from under branches of tall trees. i made it back to my house but wasn't tired so i continued to run. looping around dorms and zigzagging down streets, i couldn't seem to tire myself out. i started thinking about how this running thing is very much like my relationship with the lord. i have to make the decision to spend time with him everyday. i have to do it even when i don't feel like it. some days are hard and everything in my body says who cares, why are you doing this? and some days are beautiful. i am refreshed as i am reminded of the gospel. i am comfortable in his gospel. the gospel that was set forth for me. my gospel. and i am easily pushing forward in his glory.
today. my run. was like that. i feel like i could have ran forever and the only reason i stopped was because i was bored. because i wanted to come inside and read. after 5 miles of running--letting the roads take me where ever they wished, listening to beau hughs talk about remembering the gospel--i switched my ipod to true love. making a final lap around my block i sprinted up death alley from market place to my house. "when blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down." that's the gospel. the gospel that saves me.
i forced myself to stop in front of my house and my body felt a rush that was unknown to me until tonight. as i layed on the hood of my car listening to phil praise the lord for how beautiful he is, i was satisfied. in that moment. i was satisfied.

for thought.

“How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose!... You drove them from me, you who are the true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place, you who are sweeter than all pleasures, though not to flesh and blood; you outshine all light, yet are hidden deeper than any of the secrets in our heart; You who surpass all honor, though not in the eyes of men who see all honor in themselves....O Lord, my God, my light my wealth, my Salvation...you who are sweeter than all pleasures.”--Augustine“O to behold the glory of Christ...Herein would I live; herein would I die; herein would I dwell in my thoughts and affections...until all things below become unto me a dead and deformed thing, no way suitable for affectionate embraces.” John Owen

the flood of 08

[here's to me hoping that meaghan will see that i have returned to the blogspot world and she will soon come back as well.]

today the rain fell. i was at starbucks with katie. visiting meaghan on one of her long exhausting shifts, and i could smell the rain. one of those days when you could feel it in the air long before it begins. i told meaghan i would pick her up from work, out of fear that she would get off and it would be pouring.
as i was sitting on my couch, after i had returned her safely to the ark, the rains came. it fell lightly at first. then a multitude of small clear drops formed a transparent blanket of rain, layering down on the streets. thunder cracked around the house that we had made our home for the past year and lightning flashed daringly.
angela and i slowly lost attention in the tv and stood on the porch. it was the sound of white sheets of rain hitting rushing water. the streets had become waterways. as cans and trash floated down the allies they tempted us. come and play. and visions of canoes and mighty sailing adventures filled my mind. i stood under the safety of our porch for about ten minutes before i caved. i seriously questioned my decision to run out into the wild mess that hunter ave had become. mostly because i knew i was wearing clean clothes. clean clothes is something i currently do not have.



as i made my way out into the street letting the rain fall hard against my face, instantly soaking everything i had on, i remembered how much i love the rain. i remembered days when i was young, probably 11 or 12, when i would run out into my driveway and lay down. letting the water cover and consume me. i remembered being at rockbridge my senior year of camp and it rained all week. the pressure was so strong at times that we showered outside. i remembered falling to my knees in the shower one day last spring, begging to be cleaned.



i remembered being at tar hollow last summer with kelly. when the rain fell so hard. like it did today. everything was canceled for the day because of the rain. and i remember dancing. dancing in the rain like i was free. i remember taking kellys hand and running to the dock. eventually sprinting. running until my legs gave out and i fell at the edge of the dock and let the rain cover me. letting it take me in and wash me. i remember praying that i would be free. i remember praying that this would somehow symbolize the blood the pours over me daily.
it was here that i found myself today. standing in the middle of hunter ave as lightning struck down trees, crushing cars on both 10th and 9th ave, and rain encircled me until it hurt. losing my flip flops constantly in the flooding streets and chased them down. laughing. and playing. because i am free. and as angela made her way into the down pour i smiled to myself. because i couldnt imagine a better place for me to be. there is no better place than in the hands of my god. soaked in his grace.

summa-summa-summatime.

summer is here.
sometimes the four months that gap the break between oval madness and ohio state football are unthinkable to me. it's probably because i don't work. i am blessed to have parents that support me and support my full time ministry, which is a beautiful thing because it means i'm always available. it means that when natalie hess turns to me on a wednesday afternoon and says, "i want to go to canada this summer." i can confidently say, "get a passport and i will take you." it means that i can take two weeks at the end of july and road trip with bethany hojna down to OBX to spend time with my crazy family. it means that when alessandra says, "i'm free on friday. what are you doing?" i can in a second say, "hanging out with you." it means that when meaghan has had a long day at work i can sit on the couch and watch karate kid with her. it means i have time to serve my house. i have time to drive to dayton and play with friends that i love.
but sometimes it means that i'm lonely. while everyone i know works an 8-5 i am waking up at noon only to eat ceral. (in our living room that never seems to let in the light of day.) this where satan attacks me a lot. these moments where i am by myself.
the other day i was talking to my friend and i believe the conversation went something like this...
"im so bored. what am i going to do with my summer?"
"you are going to learn so much about the lord. and i am going to try and learn a little bit too."

she is right.
how good is the lord that even when i doubt he still embraces me with his love. washes me with his grace. and lets me be apart of his work. summer days have been absolutely beautiful. the heat is good. the past two days i have had the pleasure of exploring victorian village. as i run through the neighborhood my eyes explore houses that tells stories. places i would want to live.
i pray that scripture would continue to breathe into my soul. i pray that i would be entirely dependent on prayer. i pray that i would believe that his promises are better than what i believe sin will provide me. i pray for a deep affection.
summer is here.

that's my everything

sometimes when i write i am looking for an audience.
today, i am not.

my soul is shaken. my heart is crying out for relief. freedom.
what am i still doing bent and hunched over--you have bared the burden. your yoke is light yet i a wander like a fool under the full weight of something that doesn't exist.
i want things of the world.
i want to be satisfied by people and i want that to be okay.
i am being torn apart. my God, you are stripping from me again my idols and placing me gently back on my knees. someday i will look up and see that it is the cross you have placed me under. it is the cross that i bow beneath and it is your grace that has lovingly made my sin unattainable. you protect me and i fight with tears. you comfort me and my body aches for what cannot satisfy. fighting against sweaty palms that beat for what kills. you control my heart.
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." [proverbs 16:25]

you are my God, whom i turn from daily.
you are my Lord, whom i cannot seem to trust.
you are my Savior, that i deny i need.
you are my Father, and i cannot see your love.
you are my everything, and my heart is filled with grief when i loose sight.
my idols let me down.
they are not sufficient.
they do not fill.
they will not last.
you are my love. make your face known to me.

And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness. [psalm 17:15]

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek [psalm 27:8]

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
[1 chronicles 16:10-11]

"this is all that i can say right now. i know it's not much. this is all that i can give...and that's my everything."

Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me. [hosea 5:15]
thank you that i have a savior. that the work of my hands is not what permits me to come to my God. my hands are unfaithful. i pray for your face.