the flood of 08

[here's to me hoping that meaghan will see that i have returned to the blogspot world and she will soon come back as well.]

today the rain fell. i was at starbucks with katie. visiting meaghan on one of her long exhausting shifts, and i could smell the rain. one of those days when you could feel it in the air long before it begins. i told meaghan i would pick her up from work, out of fear that she would get off and it would be pouring.
as i was sitting on my couch, after i had returned her safely to the ark, the rains came. it fell lightly at first. then a multitude of small clear drops formed a transparent blanket of rain, layering down on the streets. thunder cracked around the house that we had made our home for the past year and lightning flashed daringly.
angela and i slowly lost attention in the tv and stood on the porch. it was the sound of white sheets of rain hitting rushing water. the streets had become waterways. as cans and trash floated down the allies they tempted us. come and play. and visions of canoes and mighty sailing adventures filled my mind. i stood under the safety of our porch for about ten minutes before i caved. i seriously questioned my decision to run out into the wild mess that hunter ave had become. mostly because i knew i was wearing clean clothes. clean clothes is something i currently do not have.



as i made my way out into the street letting the rain fall hard against my face, instantly soaking everything i had on, i remembered how much i love the rain. i remembered days when i was young, probably 11 or 12, when i would run out into my driveway and lay down. letting the water cover and consume me. i remembered being at rockbridge my senior year of camp and it rained all week. the pressure was so strong at times that we showered outside. i remembered falling to my knees in the shower one day last spring, begging to be cleaned.



i remembered being at tar hollow last summer with kelly. when the rain fell so hard. like it did today. everything was canceled for the day because of the rain. and i remember dancing. dancing in the rain like i was free. i remember taking kellys hand and running to the dock. eventually sprinting. running until my legs gave out and i fell at the edge of the dock and let the rain cover me. letting it take me in and wash me. i remember praying that i would be free. i remember praying that this would somehow symbolize the blood the pours over me daily.
it was here that i found myself today. standing in the middle of hunter ave as lightning struck down trees, crushing cars on both 10th and 9th ave, and rain encircled me until it hurt. losing my flip flops constantly in the flooding streets and chased them down. laughing. and playing. because i am free. and as angela made her way into the down pour i smiled to myself. because i couldnt imagine a better place for me to be. there is no better place than in the hands of my god. soaked in his grace.

summa-summa-summatime.

summer is here.
sometimes the four months that gap the break between oval madness and ohio state football are unthinkable to me. it's probably because i don't work. i am blessed to have parents that support me and support my full time ministry, which is a beautiful thing because it means i'm always available. it means that when natalie hess turns to me on a wednesday afternoon and says, "i want to go to canada this summer." i can confidently say, "get a passport and i will take you." it means that i can take two weeks at the end of july and road trip with bethany hojna down to OBX to spend time with my crazy family. it means that when alessandra says, "i'm free on friday. what are you doing?" i can in a second say, "hanging out with you." it means that when meaghan has had a long day at work i can sit on the couch and watch karate kid with her. it means i have time to serve my house. i have time to drive to dayton and play with friends that i love.
but sometimes it means that i'm lonely. while everyone i know works an 8-5 i am waking up at noon only to eat ceral. (in our living room that never seems to let in the light of day.) this where satan attacks me a lot. these moments where i am by myself.
the other day i was talking to my friend and i believe the conversation went something like this...
"im so bored. what am i going to do with my summer?"
"you are going to learn so much about the lord. and i am going to try and learn a little bit too."

she is right.
how good is the lord that even when i doubt he still embraces me with his love. washes me with his grace. and lets me be apart of his work. summer days have been absolutely beautiful. the heat is good. the past two days i have had the pleasure of exploring victorian village. as i run through the neighborhood my eyes explore houses that tells stories. places i would want to live.
i pray that scripture would continue to breathe into my soul. i pray that i would be entirely dependent on prayer. i pray that i would believe that his promises are better than what i believe sin will provide me. i pray for a deep affection.
summer is here.

that's my everything

sometimes when i write i am looking for an audience.
today, i am not.

my soul is shaken. my heart is crying out for relief. freedom.
what am i still doing bent and hunched over--you have bared the burden. your yoke is light yet i a wander like a fool under the full weight of something that doesn't exist.
i want things of the world.
i want to be satisfied by people and i want that to be okay.
i am being torn apart. my God, you are stripping from me again my idols and placing me gently back on my knees. someday i will look up and see that it is the cross you have placed me under. it is the cross that i bow beneath and it is your grace that has lovingly made my sin unattainable. you protect me and i fight with tears. you comfort me and my body aches for what cannot satisfy. fighting against sweaty palms that beat for what kills. you control my heart.
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." [proverbs 16:25]

you are my God, whom i turn from daily.
you are my Lord, whom i cannot seem to trust.
you are my Savior, that i deny i need.
you are my Father, and i cannot see your love.
you are my everything, and my heart is filled with grief when i loose sight.
my idols let me down.
they are not sufficient.
they do not fill.
they will not last.
you are my love. make your face known to me.

And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness. [psalm 17:15]

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek [psalm 27:8]

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
[1 chronicles 16:10-11]

"this is all that i can say right now. i know it's not much. this is all that i can give...and that's my everything."

Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me. [hosea 5:15]
thank you that i have a savior. that the work of my hands is not what permits me to come to my God. my hands are unfaithful. i pray for your face.

Almost Famous: Ask me again

this is what jesus is doing to me.
i want to come.

grace

i just got done listening to a sermon by matt chandler. going through the hebrews series and it's really wonderful. constantly being reaffirmed of God's grace and my inability. part of me wants to sit here and say, if you don't listen to matt chandler you should probably start. but there is something else. more than that i want to say, if you don't know the gospel, if you are apart of the millions of christians that abandon the cross daily. every hour. ever minute. if you are, like me, and you set aside the crown of thorns and deny the existence of the nails...i would like to say, rejoice because the gospel is for you.
i have been having one of those pivotal turning points in my faith recently. being hit by the reality of the gospel and being entirely overwhelmed. sitting here thinking to myself, how could i have possibly ever been following christ and not understood this. and that is the absolute glory of God.
so here i am in a place i feel i have never been. taken down by the fact that there is nothing i can do, earn, or achieve to receive any sort of favor in the eyes of my Lord. the fact that i have absolutely nothing to bring to the throne that he doesn't already have. nothing that could serve him better than what he already obtains. i am able to follow him by his grace. the grace that said go my son. the grace that shed blood. the blood that cleanses me. the blood that allows me to have faith. the faith that comes only by grace.
that is, my life.

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangly dim
in the light of His glory and grace

abercrombie models

break has broken me.
today my mom was kind enough to not only come to the mall with me, gracing me with her company, but she also bought me new clothes for new years. tuttle mall was insane. i like to go to tuttle for a few reasons...
1) it's where i grew up going (besides city center-->where people die).
2) i know where everything is and it's close.
3) sometimes i feel bad for it. it is becoming little bit run down. it's glam has worn off and polaris and easton are taking all the glory.
today was worse than before christmas--it was after christmas. the time when everyone runs to the mall to return, exchange and buy as many things on sale as possible. as we waded through the crowd--kids running from their parents, husbands waiting outside talbots, women frantically sifting through clearance racks--we passed abercrombie. looking inside, thinking about how i would love a new sweatshirt, i glanced at the gigantic picture of the half naked male model sitting in the entrance.
(this sentence kind of sounds like there was an extremely overweight naked man standing in abercrombie, if that's the picture you got...it's not what i meant.)
my thoughts shifted from, "oh wouldn't be nice to have a new sweatshirt that's soft and smells like abercrombie..." to "hm...that man is really attractive."
(i so badly just wanted to type..."oh wouldn't it be nice to have that man that's soft and smells like abercrombie" haha. so there. i did. but it wasn't what i was thinking.)
i started to think about what makes things beautiful. who decides. how can people possibly be thrown into a category. beautiful/not beautiful. it seems like a pretty ridiculous binary. as i kept walking, on my mission to reach macy's, i began to see people differently. my eyes stumbled upon a man probably in his early thirties, scruffy beard, winter hat, large coat, glasses, and i thought to myself...i could think he was beautiful. he could be really beautiful. not like i had a thing for him but seriously why do we think we get to decide what is attractive and what isn't.

parallel to this i am learning a lot about myself. basically because i'm pretty insecure and look to other people to decide my purpose and worth. i pray that i would know God's love. i pray that i could be secure in how he sees and knows me. i pray that i would be confident in my relationship with him when all else fails me. i beg for dependence on Christ.
freedom. i want to stand in a place where i am free. i want to know who i am. i want to see myself through my God's eyes. i want to learn this. to learn what satisfaction, complete and full, in the Lord looks and feels like.