because this is beautiful

words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
possessing and caressing me.

jai guru de va om

images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
tumble blindly as they make their way

sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
through my open views inviting and inciting me
limitless undying love which shines around me like a
million suns, it calls me on and on

because love cannot be forced.

gloria

christmas eve and my heart is rebounding in triumphing love.
the lord has been teaching me a lot about love recently. [i feel like this is something i am always learning a lot about; basically because my view is so disorted to reflect the world.]
my eyes have been slowly peeled open to community. what it means to love in fellowship and enjoy people. what it means to dance with victory for my brothers wins and weep for his brokenness.
the lord is constantly challenging love for me. how can i find joy in denial of self? satisfaction?
i feel like very small child a lot. needy. selfish. prideful. "why aren't people serving me the way that i want and expect to be served? don't they understand the gospel?"

-->why don't i understand the gospel...

i am learning how to love people. i am learning how my god loves me and how deep forgiveness flows.
i am learning what it really means to be a friend. a best friend. a sister. a daughter. a leader. a housemate.
i am learning how the love of christ--the real, pure and beautiful love of christ--penetrates the soul. how the cross is powerful.
i am learning that i am weak. what i think i know i do not in fact understand. what i want to know i cannot grasp on my own.
i am learning that my relationship with the lord is so dependant on my obedience and passion for prayer. and as i pray my view of people changes. as i pray for my friends my heart breaks for them. the way i treat them and act around them changes.
i am learning that my attitude towards things and people is entirely dependant on my prayer life for them.

[encouraged.]

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. [galations 1:10]

merry christmas.

because its winter break

missing comfort and not pursuing it is easily my hardest cross. to know that the things that the lord created to be good and fruitful war against us producing thorns. to know that the cultivation of my hands is sinful. to know that no matter how much i try and love something it doesn't mean i am glorifying the lord.
what is love? how do i give it? what does receiving real love look like? feel like?
i care about some things, some people, so much but i can't seem to love them in the right way. what is the right way? what does my purpose look like here?


...because it's winter break i have easily stayed up until 3:30 every night.

as the world turns

fudge covered hands--tupac beating on the bowls.

"Though I walk thru the valley of hell the shadow follows me
Wisdom hard to swallow tomorrow expect apologies
You probably panic, stranded in search of a better planet
Realism hard to understand, we stand slanted
and still stranded, merciless thieves stole the best of me
I pray to black Jesus to please take the rest of me
And still, the best of us build, and reach monetary gains
Some of us kill, but still, most of us can change"

i dyed my hair a dark brownish red.
we made fudge for christmas tonight.
pants and i danced it out on the kitchen floor.

today is a jewel day.

we'll sit on the front porch, the sun can warm my feet

you can drink your coffee with sugar and cream, i'll drink my decaf herbal tea

pretend we're perfect strangers and that we never met

my your remind me of a man i used to sleep with that's a face i'll never forget

oil streaked daisies covered the living room wall

he put water colored roses in her hair

so they sat down and made a drawing of their love, they made it an art to live by

the plaid dress

Strong sun, that bleach
The curtains of my room, can you not render
Colourless this dress I wear?-
This violent plaid
Of purple angers and red shames; the yellow stripe
Of thin but valid treacheries; the flashy green of kind deeds done
Through indolence high judgments given here in haste;
The recurring checker of the serious breach of taste?

No more uncoloured than unmade,
I fear, can be this garment that I may not doff;
Confession does not strip it off,
To send me homeward eased and bare;

All through the formal, unoffending evening, under the clean
Bright hair,
Lining the subtle gown...it is not seen,
But it is there.
-millay

i'll probably write about it.

i spent part of saturday night with two of my favorite people.

leigh wroble--we are just starting to be friends and it's fun. hanging out with leigh is refreshing. i like her a lot.

meaghan agnew--i feel like meagh's and i understand each other in a way that doesn't really make sense to me a lot of the time. i get asked frequently why meaghan and i are so close and, to be honest, i really don't know. but i love her and at ohio state, she is my comfort.

intentionally bypassing the osu game leigh and i drove around with meaghan for almost thirty minutes trying to find a parking spot. it was beautiful.

laughter.

meaghan's frustration.

donuts from starbucks.

being helpless.

freedom.

donuts from starbucks.

new friends.

being away from everything except these two girls. in which there is life, beauty, and joy. i am grateful that i got to sit shotgun in the mina and experience this moment unfold.

i remember turning to meaghan as she said something like, "thisss suckkkss. i just want to park!"

and in response, "no meagh, it's great, i love it, i'll probably write about it."