i'm just okay.

i am okay. sitting on the third floor of this random duplex house that has become my home over the past year, and i'm okay. no more. no less.
something hit me today. i don't know what it was, my lack of sleep, poor diet, the change in seasons, i could not tell you, but it centered in on my body today and wrecked me. my body has felt weak and useless all day. things i can normally do without thinking--like climbing a flight of stairs, getting up to go to the bathroom, forming sentences or thoughts--have become long and draining tasks that have completely wiped me of all my strength.
i have been sitting in my bed trying to gather what is going on in my head into cohesive thoughts and all i can come up with is how i am just okay. physically...mentally...spiritually, i am worn out. i have been listening to a couple sermons this week and the lord, through matt, is constantly telling me that i need to get help. i need to get help for what tears me apart inside. i need to be honest about where i struggle. i need to not only diligently ask for the lord's help in prayer but then take the steps to seek it. and i don't desire to be strong anymore, if there is something that has changed about me in the past year, it is this. i no longer desire to stand on the throne i have built for myself, recklessly trying to hold together my crap before it falls apart at my feet, where it is visible and embarrassing. i want to be known. i want to be found out. i want to be honest about where i really am and i want really fellowship that presses in deep to the places that hurt and preaches the gospel. i want accountability. i am starving for relationships that aren't about how cool i can be. i am desperate for people who desire to pursue the depths of who i really am and not because a friendship with me looks intriguing or sexy. i am tired of being cool. give me people that care for me simply because they love you lord, not because i am anything. i would rather be starved for fellowship than be in idolatry.
so here i am, speaking to the lord and not necessarily the people who i know will read my blogspot, i am just okay. you know lord that i am just okay. you know that i struggle. you know that i fear that i am only suppressing the things that make me hurt rather than giving them to you. these thorns in my flesh, that i have spent the past year trying to hide, have become increasingly hard to carry. i know that your power in my weakness is what you desire, and i am asking you to please help me. take these burdens and carry them. show me what it means to be real with people and to get help. show me where i am to run when it feels like the weight of my sin is crashing down on me. my prayer is that you may be my God. my only God whom i seek to serve and love, and that you may work out your glory in me according to your plan. i pray that this weak vessel may be fit for thy use.

silence.

blogspot feels dead. like everyone forgot about it. including myself. like suddenly we dont have enough time to write about our days. write about our God. or maybe we have too much time.
i will write soon.
for now...i have been riding my bike a lot. it's 'free spirit' brand. i've felt free.