abercrombie models

break has broken me.
today my mom was kind enough to not only come to the mall with me, gracing me with her company, but she also bought me new clothes for new years. tuttle mall was insane. i like to go to tuttle for a few reasons...
1) it's where i grew up going (besides city center-->where people die).
2) i know where everything is and it's close.
3) sometimes i feel bad for it. it is becoming little bit run down. it's glam has worn off and polaris and easton are taking all the glory.
today was worse than before christmas--it was after christmas. the time when everyone runs to the mall to return, exchange and buy as many things on sale as possible. as we waded through the crowd--kids running from their parents, husbands waiting outside talbots, women frantically sifting through clearance racks--we passed abercrombie. looking inside, thinking about how i would love a new sweatshirt, i glanced at the gigantic picture of the half naked male model sitting in the entrance.
(this sentence kind of sounds like there was an extremely overweight naked man standing in abercrombie, if that's the picture you got...it's not what i meant.)
my thoughts shifted from, "oh wouldn't be nice to have a new sweatshirt that's soft and smells like abercrombie..." to "hm...that man is really attractive."
(i so badly just wanted to type..."oh wouldn't it be nice to have that man that's soft and smells like abercrombie" haha. so there. i did. but it wasn't what i was thinking.)
i started to think about what makes things beautiful. who decides. how can people possibly be thrown into a category. beautiful/not beautiful. it seems like a pretty ridiculous binary. as i kept walking, on my mission to reach macy's, i began to see people differently. my eyes stumbled upon a man probably in his early thirties, scruffy beard, winter hat, large coat, glasses, and i thought to myself...i could think he was beautiful. he could be really beautiful. not like i had a thing for him but seriously why do we think we get to decide what is attractive and what isn't.

parallel to this i am learning a lot about myself. basically because i'm pretty insecure and look to other people to decide my purpose and worth. i pray that i would know God's love. i pray that i could be secure in how he sees and knows me. i pray that i would be confident in my relationship with him when all else fails me. i beg for dependence on Christ.
freedom. i want to stand in a place where i am free. i want to know who i am. i want to see myself through my God's eyes. i want to learn this. to learn what satisfaction, complete and full, in the Lord looks and feels like.

because this is beautiful

words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
possessing and caressing me.

jai guru de va om

images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
tumble blindly as they make their way

sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
through my open views inviting and inciting me
limitless undying love which shines around me like a
million suns, it calls me on and on

because love cannot be forced.

gloria

christmas eve and my heart is rebounding in triumphing love.
the lord has been teaching me a lot about love recently. [i feel like this is something i am always learning a lot about; basically because my view is so disorted to reflect the world.]
my eyes have been slowly peeled open to community. what it means to love in fellowship and enjoy people. what it means to dance with victory for my brothers wins and weep for his brokenness.
the lord is constantly challenging love for me. how can i find joy in denial of self? satisfaction?
i feel like very small child a lot. needy. selfish. prideful. "why aren't people serving me the way that i want and expect to be served? don't they understand the gospel?"

-->why don't i understand the gospel...

i am learning how to love people. i am learning how my god loves me and how deep forgiveness flows.
i am learning what it really means to be a friend. a best friend. a sister. a daughter. a leader. a housemate.
i am learning how the love of christ--the real, pure and beautiful love of christ--penetrates the soul. how the cross is powerful.
i am learning that i am weak. what i think i know i do not in fact understand. what i want to know i cannot grasp on my own.
i am learning that my relationship with the lord is so dependant on my obedience and passion for prayer. and as i pray my view of people changes. as i pray for my friends my heart breaks for them. the way i treat them and act around them changes.
i am learning that my attitude towards things and people is entirely dependant on my prayer life for them.

[encouraged.]

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. [galations 1:10]

merry christmas.

because its winter break

missing comfort and not pursuing it is easily my hardest cross. to know that the things that the lord created to be good and fruitful war against us producing thorns. to know that the cultivation of my hands is sinful. to know that no matter how much i try and love something it doesn't mean i am glorifying the lord.
what is love? how do i give it? what does receiving real love look like? feel like?
i care about some things, some people, so much but i can't seem to love them in the right way. what is the right way? what does my purpose look like here?


...because it's winter break i have easily stayed up until 3:30 every night.

as the world turns

fudge covered hands--tupac beating on the bowls.

"Though I walk thru the valley of hell the shadow follows me
Wisdom hard to swallow tomorrow expect apologies
You probably panic, stranded in search of a better planet
Realism hard to understand, we stand slanted
and still stranded, merciless thieves stole the best of me
I pray to black Jesus to please take the rest of me
And still, the best of us build, and reach monetary gains
Some of us kill, but still, most of us can change"

i dyed my hair a dark brownish red.
we made fudge for christmas tonight.
pants and i danced it out on the kitchen floor.