change.

Change. I don't think I'm ready, but I definitely want it. I want the things I cling to for my worth to be ripped from my hands. I want to stumble through what it looks like to be married...to live with a boy...to have a family. I want to be challenged. I want to cry really hard and run into the arms of the God who has always loved me. I want intimacy with the Lord. I want him to be what I seek and I want to be his. Maybe I am ready for change. My sinful heart would disagree but seeking the fleeting pleasures of my heart is not what I desire. I want intimacy with my God.

remember.

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

I read this today. I have been thinking about the grace of God a lot recently, how I am so sinful but that the Father loves me so dearly that he lavishes grace on me, constant grace. That in this grace I can see Him and strive to know Him, but in this grace I can stand in my sin and know that I am not defeated. I can plead what Christ has done. I am learning that my weakness glorifies him more than my attempt to be perfect. Weakness hurts but recently I have found freedom in being able to be weak.
I have been thinking a lot about the cross as a sufficient payment for my sins, now and forever. I have been thinking about the depth of the resurrection. How Christ says that now everything is different. Life through him is different because of the resurrection. He promises that it is now undefiled can't be tainted because of the resurrection. He is the first fruit. His perfect being is now a picture of what the rest of the harvest will look like, because of the resurrection.

I was thinking about this verse in Ephesians five and knowing that I need to remember. That I would walk in love because I remember.
Remember that I am a sinner in desperate need of grace.
Remember the feeling of emptiness and pain.
Remember crying so hard that I couldn't breath.
Remember what it felt like to fill myself with other people and finding that they let me down.
Remember the cross that saved me and brings me much needed redemption daily.
Remember new life promised by the resurrection.
I need to remember these things, remember that Christ died as a sacrifice to God and that his offering, it was fragrant. I need to remember.

This winter, this holiday, this day, I want to remember these things.

december.

december first.
Today is a good day and marks the beginning of the winter for me. Cold air and Merry Christmases. I am excited about where ever I am right now. In between. In between all things certain and clinging to the hope that you are good and that you love me so faithfully. I am ready for this season. This morning I received my first frost covered windsheild. I am excited to enjoy being able to see my breath, enjoy being with my friends and the people I love, enjoy praying for the souls of my friends as we grow and change. I am excited to see your face and be thankful. Thankful for pumpkin pie, because you made it, and it's so good.

lead us back.

I can hardly breath thinking about my pursuit of you. I feel like a fraud. Jesus Christ, my Lord, my God, my Savior, my King, the Father, and the Spirit, I want to know you. I pray that church wouldn't be where I worship you. My heart is breaking thinking about how I pass up knowing you for knowing about you.

Falling down upon our knees
Sharing now in common shame
We have sought security
Not the cross that bears Your name
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You

Lord we fall upon our knees
We have shunned the weak and poor
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords
Prayed for those we’d like to know
Favor sings a siren tune
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You

You have caused the blind to see
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds
Eager, ready to condemn
Now we plead before Your throne
Power sings a siren tune
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

w/m: Bobby Gilles & Brooks Ritter
Sojourn Community Church

I want this. This song tears my soul apart. I see myself and my sin clearly. Lead me back to life in you. Please.

rockbridge.

i'm sitting in caribou and the wood paneling reminds me of rockbridge. i can almost smell the spring center. the thought of being there makes me short of breath. i know it's only october, but i'm excited to be at rockbridge in the spring. until then...

Jesus is God.

I want to know Christ. I don't want to be in a phase of restoration and discipline. I want to know him always. I no longer want to be able to justify periods of apathy or laziness. Jesus Christ's atoning blood spilled over the cross is my only way to the Father and I cannot be complacent in my pursuit of knowing him. I have been learning a lot recently about being in fellowship with God. Communion with the creator of everything. It's blowing my mind, but I know I want to be apart of it, I have to be apart of it. My soul is being required of me if I want to pursue this. All else has to be considered a loss for me to gain fellowship with Jesus like it was intended.
I have to study spanish, but I am going to vomit out random things that have been refining my soul recently before I start that...

"when we are disappointed in things it reveals that our hope was in them. And in those moments we have missed out on an opportunity to put our hope in God" --L.Lett

We aren't street-kids. I am a daughter of the most high, so I need to stop acting like I am a street-kid. Everything has been richly provided for me by my Father, so why do I think I'm a street-kid who has to run around and steel to fill my needs?

I have to be hoping fully in the living God and taking my satisfaction from him alone and until I can do this I can never really care for the souls of other people because I am constantly trying to fill my own needs with them. "The problem with idolatry is that it dishonors God and destroys the people we love"--Mark Driscoll

There is more...by God's grace I am being taught a lot of things and have been shown a lot of my sin. Jesus is God. I pray I would live like I believe that.

senior year

my senior year has begun.
i am laying on the floor of my third floor room. only two of my roommates are home and the house feels still. it's 2:30 and i keep telling myself i need to get to sleep, i have things to do tomorrow, homework to finish, people to see. but it's a friday, a friday night of my senior year of college, and i don't need to sleep. i could lay on my floor all night if i wanted. if i was so inclined, i could sleep right here, in the middle of my carpet.
i am tempted to fill this post with my recollections of how it used to be and my anticipations for the future. i could tell you how i can hardly breathe when i think about how fast it is all moving, not college, but my life, sanctification, ministry. i could tell you how scared i am for things to change and how i cannot imagine myself in the next stage of my life. i could even spend my time unpacking how incredible the Lord's restoration has been in me over the past three years, but i wont.

time is moving fast and that's okay. i pray that i know you God, otherwise it's a waste.