lead us back.

I can hardly breath thinking about my pursuit of you. I feel like a fraud. Jesus Christ, my Lord, my God, my Savior, my King, the Father, and the Spirit, I want to know you. I pray that church wouldn't be where I worship you. My heart is breaking thinking about how I pass up knowing you for knowing about you.

Falling down upon our knees
Sharing now in common shame
We have sought security
Not the cross that bears Your name
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You

Lord we fall upon our knees
We have shunned the weak and poor
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords
Prayed for those we’d like to know
Favor sings a siren tune
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You

You have caused the blind to see
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds
Eager, ready to condemn
Now we plead before Your throne
Power sings a siren tune
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

w/m: Bobby Gilles & Brooks Ritter
Sojourn Community Church

I want this. This song tears my soul apart. I see myself and my sin clearly. Lead me back to life in you. Please.

rockbridge.

i'm sitting in caribou and the wood paneling reminds me of rockbridge. i can almost smell the spring center. the thought of being there makes me short of breath. i know it's only october, but i'm excited to be at rockbridge in the spring. until then...

Jesus is God.

I want to know Christ. I don't want to be in a phase of restoration and discipline. I want to know him always. I no longer want to be able to justify periods of apathy or laziness. Jesus Christ's atoning blood spilled over the cross is my only way to the Father and I cannot be complacent in my pursuit of knowing him. I have been learning a lot recently about being in fellowship with God. Communion with the creator of everything. It's blowing my mind, but I know I want to be apart of it, I have to be apart of it. My soul is being required of me if I want to pursue this. All else has to be considered a loss for me to gain fellowship with Jesus like it was intended.
I have to study spanish, but I am going to vomit out random things that have been refining my soul recently before I start that...

"when we are disappointed in things it reveals that our hope was in them. And in those moments we have missed out on an opportunity to put our hope in God" --L.Lett

We aren't street-kids. I am a daughter of the most high, so I need to stop acting like I am a street-kid. Everything has been richly provided for me by my Father, so why do I think I'm a street-kid who has to run around and steel to fill my needs?

I have to be hoping fully in the living God and taking my satisfaction from him alone and until I can do this I can never really care for the souls of other people because I am constantly trying to fill my own needs with them. "The problem with idolatry is that it dishonors God and destroys the people we love"--Mark Driscoll

There is more...by God's grace I am being taught a lot of things and have been shown a lot of my sin. Jesus is God. I pray I would live like I believe that.

senior year

my senior year has begun.
i am laying on the floor of my third floor room. only two of my roommates are home and the house feels still. it's 2:30 and i keep telling myself i need to get to sleep, i have things to do tomorrow, homework to finish, people to see. but it's a friday, a friday night of my senior year of college, and i don't need to sleep. i could lay on my floor all night if i wanted. if i was so inclined, i could sleep right here, in the middle of my carpet.
i am tempted to fill this post with my recollections of how it used to be and my anticipations for the future. i could tell you how i can hardly breathe when i think about how fast it is all moving, not college, but my life, sanctification, ministry. i could tell you how scared i am for things to change and how i cannot imagine myself in the next stage of my life. i could even spend my time unpacking how incredible the Lord's restoration has been in me over the past three years, but i wont.

time is moving fast and that's okay. i pray that i know you God, otherwise it's a waste.

relationships.

i desire relationships. i want people in my life that will ask me about my soul. i feel like my heart is aching for people who will look me in the face and ask me what i am doing. people who will call out my sin, speak to me the truth of the gospel, and then hold me accountable. i know that in order to have these relationships i need to be real, honest with people, let my friends see what trash i am without fearing that they will turn away. i don't want to be impressive, i want to be holy. i know that the Lord is sanctifying me, but i want more of it.
i see so much of my sin through some of my friendships. people who are gracious and let me be difficult and manipulative. i see the gospel through the way they treat me. through their patience and love i see myself clearly. i am thankful that i have people who love me despite my deep sin, but i crave that they would not let me sit here in my unrighteousness.

i pray that i would know how to lead others to holiness as well.
i pray that you would transform my heart to purge the things that cause me to sin. the things that make the race hard to run.

i pray that my friendships would not be in vain. that i would not have good friends just for the sake of being friends. may our relationships lead us to repent and glory in Christ.
i pray for my friendships with jody, meaghan, mal, leigh, and janis.

i pray that this would be important in my friendship with faith.
i pray that i would not wait for others to call out my sin, but that i would be constantly praying, repenting, getting rid of things from my life, and creating ways to be accountable to those things.
i pray that i would enjoy you Lord.

summer.

in may, i was so excited for the summer. i could not wait to be released from the weight of my classes, having four months of freedom ahead of me. the bliss of summer also meant stomaching a few losses. my lacrosse team, 14 seniors, no longer having some of these familiar faces will change the way i coach, if i do, for the years to come. my roommates, not only does my house disperse during the summer...jobs, classes, camp, summer staff, peru...but three of my roommates will move out soon. our house will be different. i am excited for the change but the end of this era is bittersweet. my sister, in nine days my dad will give this girl away to another man. i love daniel and am glad for my sisters joy and happiness, but the idea of no longer sharing some of our traditions cuts me up inside. these are just a few among many changes that pivot and fall around my summer and as i look back to sitting in the biggs' living room in may, i have already experienced most of the things on that list. mid-july, birthday soon and wedding just around the corner, and half my summer is gone.
it makes me reevaluate what i want from my summer. i pray that i can come out of these four months confidently saying i know the lord better. i plead for that, because i am terrified it wont happen. i am terrified these months of freedom will become about me.
father i thank you for the warmth. i thank you that i have very little responsibilities or obligations this summer. i pray that i would be serious about pursuing your face. like paul i pray that anything that would be a hindrance to this pursuit i would gladly get rid of. that you may taste sweeter than any of my fleshly affections.

broke

for the sake of the world, I thank the Lord, that the truth's not contingent on me.

i want Christ. i can't seem to get this right. i praise you God that it has been paid for, that the battle has been won. i want to know you, but i do the things i do not want to do. my heart hurts. hurts like a whore chasing after her lovers. i can feel gomers pain, as she runs to the things she thought were bringing her love, joy, and comfort, and suddenly she can't reach them. they don't want her anymore.
i desire to be obsessed with the cross but i am failed by my weaknesses. thank you that this faith is not contingent upon my ability. thank you that you are doing things in me that i don't understand.

"wealth and honor I disdain,

earthly comforts, Lord are vain;

these can never satisfy:

give me Christ, or else I die.

all unholy and unclean,

I am nothing but sin;

on thy mercy I rely;

give me Christ, or else I die."