summer.

in may, i was so excited for the summer. i could not wait to be released from the weight of my classes, having four months of freedom ahead of me. the bliss of summer also meant stomaching a few losses. my lacrosse team, 14 seniors, no longer having some of these familiar faces will change the way i coach, if i do, for the years to come. my roommates, not only does my house disperse during the summer...jobs, classes, camp, summer staff, peru...but three of my roommates will move out soon. our house will be different. i am excited for the change but the end of this era is bittersweet. my sister, in nine days my dad will give this girl away to another man. i love daniel and am glad for my sisters joy and happiness, but the idea of no longer sharing some of our traditions cuts me up inside. these are just a few among many changes that pivot and fall around my summer and as i look back to sitting in the biggs' living room in may, i have already experienced most of the things on that list. mid-july, birthday soon and wedding just around the corner, and half my summer is gone.
it makes me reevaluate what i want from my summer. i pray that i can come out of these four months confidently saying i know the lord better. i plead for that, because i am terrified it wont happen. i am terrified these months of freedom will become about me.
father i thank you for the warmth. i thank you that i have very little responsibilities or obligations this summer. i pray that i would be serious about pursuing your face. like paul i pray that anything that would be a hindrance to this pursuit i would gladly get rid of. that you may taste sweeter than any of my fleshly affections.

broke

for the sake of the world, I thank the Lord, that the truth's not contingent on me.

i want Christ. i can't seem to get this right. i praise you God that it has been paid for, that the battle has been won. i want to know you, but i do the things i do not want to do. my heart hurts. hurts like a whore chasing after her lovers. i can feel gomers pain, as she runs to the things she thought were bringing her love, joy, and comfort, and suddenly she can't reach them. they don't want her anymore.
i desire to be obsessed with the cross but i am failed by my weaknesses. thank you that this faith is not contingent upon my ability. thank you that you are doing things in me that i don't understand.

"wealth and honor I disdain,

earthly comforts, Lord are vain;

these can never satisfy:

give me Christ, or else I die.

all unholy and unclean,

I am nothing but sin;

on thy mercy I rely;

give me Christ, or else I die."