woman of the Lord

I haven't written in seven months. It is no longer February and my life has changed significantly since the last time I was here. To be quite honest, this post is daunting to me. There is too much to say, too much to explain, too much to wrap my mind around and vomit out into words. Things have changed. Let's leave it at that for now.
What I want to talk about is an idea that has been swirling around my head for the past few weeks. What does it mean to be a women of the Lord? What does it mean to be someone who is seriously committed to pursuing all that God is for me in Jesus? To believe that the kingdom is at hand and salvation is soon? To be loved, valued, and comforted by the God who has saved me? To be dependent on the one who created, who created this restless seeking heart? What does this look like?
I want these things because I have seen the alternative and know that it doesn't satisfy, but more importantly I want these things because I have gotten glimpses of who God is and I want more.
Being married has forced me to see a lot of sin that dwells deeply in my heart and fists. It has shown me where I fail to believe that God is real and sufficient. Seeing these pitfalls has opened my eyes, but at the same time, trying to fix the sinful places in our relationship has made me very narrow minded. I have become obsessed with the issues and am no longer seeking to be a woman of holiness. It has recently occurred to me that the woman that I am around my husband is the same woman who interacts with unbelievers. The woman who desires to pray and disciple younger women is the same woman who struggles to love her husband and submit under his authority. Maybe this doesn't make sense, but I am learning that I don"t get to segment my life. I am a woman who is relentlessly pursuing my God and sanctification, or I am not.