framed

the promises of Christ

2012-01-30T17:23:00.003-05:00

As Christians we are constantly being called and calling others to "believe the promises of Christ". I fear that for the past eight years I have been simply nodding my head in agreeance to this idea. I admit I have not known what "the promises of Christ" meant, nor had I given it much thought. I am in my ninth year of getting to seek Jesus for all that I need and want, my fifth, soon to be sixth, year of ministry at Pickerington North, and my second year of marriage. It is here that I have found myself more sinful than I could ever imagine. Every day I wake up finding myself less capable of being good on my own, and therefore, I have a greater need for the gospel of grace and the blood of Jesus Christ everyday. It is this that has led me to the promises of Christ, and this week, I finally understand.
Why are the promises of Christ essential to be believed and remembered dear Christian? Because the promises of Christ are things that we have freely gained by God's purposes through Jesus, by no merit of our own. They are essential because as I continue to walk the narrow path I am confronted with my fleshly failings that tempt me to believe I am not capable of change, or maybe worse, I am not chosen. They are essential because I am constantly tempted to believe that my salvation must still be earned and worked for. They are essential because when God is gracious enough with me, to allow me to see myself clearly, in all my schemes and wickedness, I know that the completed promises of Christ are my only shot at life. Because of these things I had the great joy to read Scripture in a new way this week. Not looking for a call to strive after righteousness, though I still need and believe this call, but rather seeking diligently the places where Christ says that his work has already purchased something for me. I have nothing to add to these promises, even the faith to believe them has been given freely. The work is finished. The promises are mine. What an excellent reality. So here are 40 promises carried out and completed by Christ in the book of Romans.
We have received...

grace
apostleship
the obedience of faith
a call to belong to Jesus Christ
the righteousness of God
justification
peace with God
access into grace in which we now stand
God's love poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit
saving from the wrath of God
reconciliation to God
abundance of grace
the free gift of righteousness
opportunity to reign in life because of grace and righteousness
justification, life and righteousness
ability to walk in newness of life
unity in a resurrection like Christ's
ability to be no longer enslaved to sin
ability to live with Christ
freedom from sin
slavery to righteousness
sanctification
the free gift of eternal life
death to the law
ability to bear fruit for God
freedom to serve in the new way of the Spirit and not the law
freedom from condemnation
freedom from the law of sin and death
fulfillment for the righteous requirement that was demanded from us
ability to walk according to the Spirit
life to our mortal bodies through the Spirit that dwells in us
the Spirit of adoption as sons
ability to become children of God
ability to become heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ
predestination to be conformed to the image of his Son
a predestination that has called, justified and glorified us
a promise that he will graciously give us all things
assurance that we are more than conquerors of the things that befall us through him who loved us
righteousness
assurance that Satan will be crushed under our feet

Nothing to add, nothing to earn. Enjoy believing them dear Christian!

God is good.

2012-01-30T12:26:00.001-05:00

"God is good in every possible way. He is good in righteousness. He is good in power. He is good in grace. He is good in his faithfulness. He is good in mercy. He is good in holiness. He is good in justice. He is good in his rule. All his words are good and true. All his actions are good and right. When he is angry, he is good. When he preserves life, he is good. When he takes life, he is good. When his words are hard, they are good. When his words are gentle, they are good. His promises are good. His provisions are good. His plan is good. In all of the universe, you can only say this about God: he is good all the time and in every way."--Paul Tripp
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2012/01/29/lost-the-awe/

got 99 problems but The Counting Crows ain't one.

2012-01-10T17:42:00.002-05:00

A long December and there's reason to believe

I could justify myself

I felt so symbolic yesterday but I'm just not coming through

I could have been anyone you see

Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky

When everybody loves you, son, that's just about as fucked up as you can be

I put my summers back in a letter

Spinning these days into things that I've lost

You've been fading day to day

And I hide it from the world

That's when I know that I have to get out cause I have been there before

You know the butterfly in reverse here is me

So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams

I wanna be Bob Dylan

And I said, I might, I might, I might

There has to be a change I'm sure

I want to be someone who believes

Well, all monkeys do what they see

It's 4:30 A.M. on a Tuesday

Got no place to go

I wanna touch you for the things I'm losing

But I might go out and watch the moon explode

I'm going down to Hollywood

And I'm scared I might not make it home

She is sleeping far away

In a house where regret is a carousel ride

Little angels hang above my head and read me like an open book

Taffy stuck, tongue tied

Well I’m stuck so tight weighed by the chains that keep me

Help me believe in anything

Well I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem

Your reflection approaches and recedes again

All I really know is I wanna know

And all I really know is I don't wanna know

Come on give me your white skin

Hey monkey, when can we begin?

Could you tell me the things you remember about me

Try to remember so you don't fade away

The price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings

And I'm in trouble for the things I need

I am a child of fire I am a lion I have desires

We all want something beautiful

And there are people who will say they knew me so well

They're gonna make a movie

Of all the stupid things I do

From the things that they find crawling round my brain

All my sins and someone stole my shoes

It doesn't get much worse than this

Fix your hair just right

Cause I fear I might lose my composure without warning

And it spins away like dust on pearls

Into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white

She says it's only in my head

But I’ve got four more seasons for all that’s broken to mend

All I want is something fine

And if you think that I could be forgiven, I wish you would

Forty thousand times

Cause I can never get enough, never get enough

And it gets harder every time

Never get enough no, no

I'd like to see your eyes open up real wide

And if I could give all my love to you

The minute that you see me

So that you could believe me

Deliver me in a black-winged bird

When all a love needs is to be believed in

I have waited for tomorrow from December 'til today

We could probably fix it if we clean it up all day

So come, now

If you wanted to be free

Leave your damage behind and gone

Roll a new life over

seventy-three.

2011-11-08T14:41:00.003-05:00

This blog has been far from impressive and I have been neglectful through many seasons. Thoughts and events have gone untold many of them never to be remembered or discussed again. Regardless of this, it has been five years. Seventy-two posts in five years, stories of adventures and memories made, but mostly just the outpouring of my heart in relation to the Lord. It's not a lot but I am thankful for what it has been.

Reading through old posts about idolatry and struggle, I am thankful. The Lord has healed and brought me out of many dark places by his strong and glorious hand. I have new struggles now and my heart still longs to make gods out of perishing things but the Lord has been victorious and will continue to be. Seventy-two posts that remind me that my God is faithful, he moves and is name is great to be praised. This blog has been far from impressive but it has shown me glimpses of the consuming impressiveness of my Father. That's pretty valuable.

the great shepherd

2011-06-20T11:28:00.003-04:00

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth. [Isaiah 53:6-7]

For the household gods utter nonsense, and the diviners see lies; they tell false dreams and give empty consolation. Therefore the people wander like sheep; they are afflicted for lack of a shepherd. [Zechariah 10:2]

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. [Matthew 9:36]

The word of the LORD came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy, and say to them, even to the shepherds, Thus says the Lord GOD: Ah, shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat ones, but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered; they wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. My sheep were scattered over all the face of the earth, with none to search or seek for them.

"Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: As I live, declares the Lord GOD, surely because my sheep have become a prey, and my sheep have become food for all the wild beasts, since there was no shepherd, and because my shepherds have not searched for my sheep, but the shepherds have fed themselves, and have not fed my sheep, therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: Thus says the Lord GOD, Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require my sheep at their hand and put a stop to their feeding the sheep. No longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them.

"For thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness. And I will bring them out from the peoples and gather them from the countries, and will bring them into their own land. And I will feed them on the mountains of Israel, by the ravines, and in all the inhabited places of the country. I will feed them with good pasture, and on the mountain heights of Israel shall be their grazing land. There they shall lie down in good grazing land, and on rich pasture they shall feed on the mountains of Israel. I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord GOD. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them in justice.

"As for you, my flock, thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I judge between sheep and sheep, between rams and male goats. Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture, that you must tread down with your feet the rest of your pasture; and to drink of clear water, that you must muddy the rest of the water with your feet? And must my sheep eat what you have trodden with your feet, and drink what you have muddied with your feet?

"Therefore, thus says the Lord GOD to them: Behold, I, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. Because you push with side and shoulder, and thrust at all the weak with your horns, till you have scattered them abroad, I will rescue my flock; they shall no longer be a prey. And I will judge between sheep and sheep. And I will set up over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he shall feed them: he shall feed them and be their shepherd. And I, the LORD, will be their God, and my servant David shall be prince among them. I am the LORD; I have spoken.

"I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods.And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing. And the trees of the field shall yield their fruit, and the earth shall yield its increase, and they shall be secure in their land. And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke, and deliver them from the hand of those who enslaved them. They shall no more be a prey to the nations, nor shall the beasts of the land devour them. They shall dwell securely, and none shall make them afraid. And I will provide for them renowned plantations so that they shall no more be consumed with hunger in the land, and no longer suffer the reproach of the nations. And they shall know that I am the LORD their God with them, and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Lord GOD. And you are my sheep, human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD." [Ezekiel 34]

And they asked him, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?"— so that they might accuse him. He said to them, "Which one of you who has a sheep, if it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will not take hold of it and lift it out? Of how much more value is a man than a sheep! So it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath." [Matthew 12:10-12]

How the beasts groan! The herds of cattle are perplexed because there is no pasture for them; even the flocks of sheep suffer. To you, O LORD, I call. For fire has devoured the pastures of the wilderness, and flame has burned all the trees of the field. Even the beasts of the field pant for you because the water brooks are dried up, and fire has devoured the pastures of the wilderness. [Joel 1:18-20]

I will surely assemble all of you, O Jacob; I will gather the remnant of Israel;
I will set them together like sheep in a fold, like a flock in its pasture, a noisy multitude of men. He who opens the breach goes up before them; they break through and pass the gate, going out by it. Their king passes on before them, the LORD at their head. [Micah 2:12-13]

So he told them this parable: "What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.' Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance. [Luke 15:3-7]

"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber. But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers." This figure of speech Jesus used with them, but they did not understand what he was saying to them.

So Jesus again said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father." [John 10:1-18}

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. [Isaiah 40:11]

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. [Hebrews 13:20-21]

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. [Psalm 23:1-3]

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. [1Peter 2:24-25]

set your mind on the things of God

2011-02-08T13:34:00.008-05:00

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. [Proverbs 14:12 & 16:25]

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. [Ephesians 5:15-17]

God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." [1Corinthians 1:28-31]

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. [Proverbs 19:21]

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? [1Corinthians 1:20]

Yet among the mature we do impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away. But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory. None of the rulers of this age understood this, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. [1Corinthians 2:6-8]

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. [Romans 1:28]

For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. [Philippians 3:18-19]

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. [Romans 8:5-8]

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. [1Corinthians 2:10-12]

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. [Romans 12:2]

Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, "He catches the wise in their craftiness," and again, "The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile." So let no one boast in men. [1Corinthians 3:18-21]

Thus says the LORD of hosts: "Do not listen to the words of the prophets who prophesy to you, filling you with vain hopes. They speak visions of their own minds, not from the mouth of the LORD. They say continually to those who despise the word of the LORD, 'It shall be well with you'; and to everyone who stubbornly follows his own heart, they say, 'No disaster shall come upon you.'" [Jeremiah 23:16-17]

Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. [Ephesians 4:17-18]

This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. [James 3:15]

But he turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man." [Matthew 16:23]

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. [1Peter 5:8]

I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. [Ephesians 1:16-21]

Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. [Colossians 1:28]

that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I say this in order that no one may delude you with plausible arguments. [Colossians 2:2-4]

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. [Colossians 3:1-3]

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance. [1Peter 1:13-14]

Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. [Proverbs 28:26]

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. [Proverbs 3:5-8]

It begins now.

2010-12-14T14:13:00.002-05:00

I want to know Jesus more than I do now. I need a plan and accountability for this to happen because on my own I am lazy and weak. My natural desires are flawed and lead to death. Things are going to happen. I am tired of being a woman who does not live what she knows and learns. I want to apply the truths that I know. I want to actually repent, turning from what I know is wicked and evil. There is a plan for all of this to happen and it begins now not at the new year. Amen.

Adoption.

2010-10-12T13:19:00.003-04:00

Adoption. I have been thinking a lot about adoption. Not because I am considering it, but because my God says that he has adopted me. I am now his child and his Spirit dwells within me. At community group someone was talking about their friend adopting four children. Four children, at the same time, all under the age of three. All I could think was, "oh my gosh, how much did that cost?". Sometimes I wonder why adoption is so expensive when there are thousands of kids in need. It is expensive so that not just anyone can adopt a child. There is protection in the expense. This got me thinking about my adoption and how it wasn't just a choice God made but it came with a huge price. My adoption was not cheap. It was so expensive that God was the only one qualified to pay the fee. I have been bought into a new family at an astronomical price that no one but my Father was eligible to pay. Amen.

woman of the Lord

2010-10-04T01:56:00.003-04:00

I haven't written in seven months. It is no longer February and my life has changed significantly since the last time I was here. To be quite honest, this post is daunting to me. There is too much to say, too much to explain, too much to wrap my mind around and vomit out into words. Things have changed. Let's leave it at that for now.
What I want to talk about is an idea that has been swirling around my head for the past few weeks. What does it mean to be a women of the Lord? What does it mean to be someone who is seriously committed to pursuing all that God is for me in Jesus? To believe that the kingdom is at hand and salvation is soon? To be loved, valued, and comforted by the God who has saved me? To be dependent on the one who created, who created this restless seeking heart? What does this look like?
I want these things because I have seen the alternative and know that it doesn't satisfy, but more importantly I want these things because I have gotten glimpses of who God is and I want more.
Being married has forced me to see a lot of sin that dwells deeply in my heart and fists. It has shown me where I fail to believe that God is real and sufficient. Seeing these pitfalls has opened my eyes, but at the same time, trying to fix the sinful places in our relationship has made me very narrow minded. I have become obsessed with the issues and am no longer seeking to be a woman of holiness. It has recently occurred to me that the woman that I am around my husband is the same woman who interacts with unbelievers. The woman who desires to pray and disciple younger women is the same woman who struggles to love her husband and submit under his authority. Maybe this doesn't make sense, but I am learning that I don"t get to segment my life. I am a woman who is relentlessly pursuing my God and sanctification, or I am not.

this is where I am.

2010-03-03T11:55:00.005-05:00

On Sunday night a good friend and I got into my car and drove. We drove all the way through the night. When the sun came up we were in Maryland and we were exhausted. It was the scariest drive of my life. I was driving up and down mountains on narrow two lane roads. Snow covered the ground as the road curved to the right and then sharply back to the left. I don't remember the last time I was so aware of my life. I knew that at any moment my tires could hit an icy patch in the road and the Santa Fe, that has been so faithful for the past five years, could spin in any direction it desired. I would find myself without control and defenseless to the steep cliff on my left. I was terrified, but there was no way to turn around. There was no alternative route. There was no better option. The road in front of me was the only way and all I could do was pray for the sun to come up. All I could do was pray that another deer didn't run out in front of me. Pray that a car did not come barreling into my lane.
This was the beginning of my week. A road trip that was spurred on by my desire to get away from the life I am currently living. My roommate keeps telling me I am running from my problems. I think I just needed a second to breathe. A second to not think and just go. A second to feel like school and the expectations placed on me don't matter. I am thankful that a friend who loves my soul accompanied me.
A stumbling block has been set before me. I am tempted by the world. I am praying that I would see these things and people as enemies to my life and joy and not as a worthy option. I feel confused. I am praying that this is accomplishing your glory in me. Either way, this is where I am. Overwhelmed by the weight of school. Wanting to love people with more than myself but not knowing how. Fighting to not indulge myself recklessly into the world for the sake of a "cool friendship". Longing for spring break. This is where I am.

he is jealous for me.

2010-02-12T00:09:00.004-05:00

[i've tried to start this post in six different ways. nothing was sufficient.]

The Lord is good and He loves me so dearly. Of this, I am confident tonight. He is jealous for me.

coffee will be better in heaven.

2010-02-11T10:13:00.004-05:00

I have an addiction to coffee.
Not just a dependency on the caffeine, but I really love coffee. I love coffee in the morning, afternoon, and in the evening. I like it black. The darker the better. I like Starbucks, not simply because of their catchy corporation and ability to monopolize the market for a $4 latte, I love Starbucks because, to me, it's the boldest coffee tastes. I like when it's bitter. A lot of my friends who would call themselves "coffee experts" hate Starbucks because they burn their beans when they roast them, regardless, I like it.
[This is where Jody would warn me of the dangers of being addicted to Starbucks coffee. She would tell me the stats on how it has three times as much caffeine as a normal cup. To this...I have no response.]
I often think of the Lord during my morning cup. I love coffee, but even the boldest cup doesn't seem like enough. Something in me desires coffee to be more, to be deeper, to be richer. I don't think this is simply because Starbucks burns their beans. I think this is because we were created for something bigger, something with more glory. I love that coffee reminds me of this. I love that I am able to taste that there is something more. I don't know for sure but I think coffee will be better in heaven.

comfort in consistency.

2010-02-10T00:19:00.004-05:00

My fingers have been aching to write.
Sitting in this old duplex house on Hunter Ave always gets me thinking. It's strange that I live here. Strange that I moved in with five girls that I barely knew. Strange that time is moving so fast. I know that I am going to wake up and thirty years will have past. This house, with its uneven stairs and unwelcoming furniture, will be a faint memory to me. I will be hard pressed to remember the exact shape of my room or the way the air feels heavy and hot in the summer. I will struggle to remember, but right now, I am sitting in my room. When we first looked at this house in the winter of 06 my room didn't exist. It was a half kitchen with low ceiling and an impractical counter top. They assured us it would be a fifth bedroom by the time we moved in. I have always loved that about my room because I know that I am the first to really inhabit it. I am the first to make this small cave into a room, this is my space. My space...but nothing is mine. I will move out of here in six months and will have no claim over this space. It will no longer be filled with books, letters, and pictures that i love. It will be someone else's space. Someone else wouldn't know what I have learned inside these walls. They wouldn't know the conversations about the Lord that have been had in here. They wouldn't know the confession and sin that has happened . They wouldn't know the sleepovers and friendships made. They wouldn't know the nights I have sobbed my eyes out. They wouldn't know about all the early mornings and cups of coffee. They wouldn't know where my knees have sunk into this carpet, pleading to know my God. They wouldn't know.
I have been thinking about change a lot recently. I know that I am on the brink of change and I so desperately want peace in this. I know I am leaving behind the college life I lived. I am leaving behind the young life community that has been formed on south campus. I am leaving behind living in a house of girls and the consistency of always having someone around. I am trying to remind myself of the journey I am on. The journey that is wrapped up in God's sovereignty and grace. The journey that ends with the homeland he has created. I press on towards things in my future that make me nervous because I know I am closer to obtaining this salvation.
My good friends Jody and Mark got married a few days ago. This puts and angst in me for the future. It seems that Kevin and I will be walking through the next stage of our life with these two and seeing them get married was beautiful. A beautiful picture of the gospel and Jesus the bridegroom and a beautiful encouragement of what the Lord is going to do in coming years.
Sitting in this old duplex house on Hunter Ave always gets me thinking. I am excited to be changed and refined in this next stage of life. I am excited to enter into a covenant that bleeds the gospel. I am also excited to be where I am. For the next six months I am in this duplex on south campus. I don't want to simply look forward to what is ahead but to seek knowing my God where I am. There is incredible freedom in pursuing the Lord. It means that my comfort does not reside in a room, a place, a person, or a familiar memory. It is not in a certain community, a cool friendship, or how I am loved. It's not in my age or my accomplishments. My comfort is in the living God and my God does not change.

no bad news

2010-01-27T01:52:00.001-05:00

heaven awaits. I believe that it's soon.

I am ready.

2010-01-19T00:38:00.003-05:00

Two days ago I wrote about how I want change. I want the idols, that I seek for my worth, to be ripped from my tired hands. I want to be forced to change. I wrote that less than two days ago and I am already experiencing the weight of those prayers. I feel hurt by how people treat me. I gauge my worth on affection displayed toward me. I am heartbroken by the smallest of details. Sitting here in my room I can feel that I have fallen into idolatry. I feel like I am in a constant state of idolatry. A constant state of pleading for other people and things to love me. I see myself clearly. I see how you have pulled me out of the mess I get myself into. I see how I am trying to spin webs of safety and comfort in my relationships with people. I see how I surround myself with a multitude of relationships that are deep enough to sustain me if one fails. I see how I run from one person to another. I see that I cannot simply get rid of people but I need to get rid of the sin. I am overwhelmed because I see this pattern, this pattern of idolatry, this pattern of whoring myself out, or worse, convincing other people that it is good and godly for them to fill my needs. I want to be done. I have seen incredible freedom from the chains of idolatry in the past as you have ripped me from blatant sin. But I see myself clearly. A sinner who is entangled with the desire to run after futile things. Not only are they futile but they are killing me.

These are the thoughts that bring me here. To a place where I want to be married, want to be stripped from the life I am living now. I am aware that sin will follow me, but I am ready to feel alone, as Gomer did when she could no longer find her lovers. I am ready to seek my idols and not be able to find them. I am ready to sit under my husbands authority as he loves me and speaks the gospel over my hurting heart. I am ready to be drawn to you. I want intimacy. I am ready. My heart and my soul cry out to know you, the living God. It is because of this realization and this yearning that I can say I am ready. I am ready to be married because I trust you are doing a work in me and I want you God. I want you. I am ready.

change.

2010-01-17T23:20:00.002-05:00

Change. I don't think I'm ready, but I definitely want it. I want the things I cling to for my worth to be ripped from my hands. I want to stumble through what it looks like to be married...to live with a boy...to have a family. I want to be challenged. I want to cry really hard and run into the arms of the God who has always loved me. I want intimacy with the Lord. I want him to be what I seek and I want to be his. Maybe I am ready for change. My sinful heart would disagree but seeking the fleeting pleasures of my heart is not what I desire. I want intimacy with my God.

remember.

2009-12-01T14:09:00.002-05:00

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

I read this today. I have been thinking about the grace of God a lot recently, how I am so sinful but that the Father loves me so dearly that he lavishes grace on me, constant grace. That in this grace I can see Him and strive to know Him, but in this grace I can stand in my sin and know that I am not defeated. I can plead what Christ has done. I am learning that my weakness glorifies him more than my attempt to be perfect. Weakness hurts but recently I have found freedom in being able to be weak.
I have been thinking a lot about the cross as a sufficient payment for my sins, now and forever. I have been thinking about the depth of the resurrection. How Christ says that now everything is different. Life through him is different because of the resurrection. He promises that it is now undefiled can't be tainted because of the resurrection. He is the first fruit. His perfect being is now a picture of what the rest of the harvest will look like, because of the resurrection.

I was thinking about this verse in Ephesians five and knowing that I need to remember. That I would walk in love because I remember.
Remember that I am a sinner in desperate need of grace.
Remember the feeling of emptiness and pain.
Remember crying so hard that I couldn't breath.
Remember what it felt like to fill myself with other people and finding that they let me down.
Remember the cross that saved me and brings me much needed redemption daily.
Remember new life promised by the resurrection.
I need to remember these things, remember that Christ died as a sacrifice to God and that his offering, it was fragrant. I need to remember.

This winter, this holiday, this day, I want to remember these things.

december.

2009-12-01T11:31:00.004-05:00

december first.
Today is a good day and marks the beginning of the winter for me. Cold air and Merry Christmases. I am excited about where ever I am right now. In between. In between all things certain and clinging to the hope that you are good and that you love me so faithfully. I am ready for this season. This morning I received my first frost covered windsheild. I am excited to enjoy being able to see my breath, enjoy being with my friends and the people I love, enjoy praying for the souls of my friends as we grow and change. I am excited to see your face and be thankful. Thankful for pumpkin pie, because you made it, and it's so good.

lead us back.

2009-11-20T21:03:00.003-05:00

I can hardly breath thinking about my pursuit of you. I feel like a fraud. Jesus Christ, my Lord, my God, my Savior, my King, the Father, and the Spirit, I want to know you. I pray that church wouldn't be where I worship you. My heart is breaking thinking about how I pass up knowing you for knowing about you.

Falling down upon our knees
Sharing now in common shame
We have sought security
Not the cross that bears Your name
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune
We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You

Lord we fall upon our knees
We have shunned the weak and poor
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords
Prayed for those we’d like to know
Favor sings a siren tune
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You

You have caused the blind to see
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds
Eager, ready to condemn
Now we plead before Your throne
Power sings a siren tune
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

We’re a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You
We’ve been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You

w/m: Bobby Gilles & Brooks Ritter
Sojourn Community Church

I want this. This song tears my soul apart. I see myself and my sin clearly. Lead me back to life in you. Please.

rockbridge.

2009-10-29T11:05:00.005-04:00

i'm sitting in caribou and the wood paneling reminds me of rockbridge. i can almost smell the spring center. the thought of being there makes me short of breath. i know it's only october, but i'm excited to be at rockbridge in the spring. until then...

Jesus is God.

2009-10-24T12:42:00.003-04:00

I want to know Christ. I don't want to be in a phase of restoration and discipline. I want to know him always. I no longer want to be able to justify periods of apathy or laziness. Jesus Christ's atoning blood spilled over the cross is my only way to the Father and I cannot be complacent in my pursuit of knowing him. I have been learning a lot recently about being in fellowship with God. Communion with the creator of everything. It's blowing my mind, but I know I want to be apart of it, I have to be apart of it. My soul is being required of me if I want to pursue this. All else has to be considered a loss for me to gain fellowship with Jesus like it was intended.
I have to study spanish, but I am going to vomit out random things that have been refining my soul recently before I start that...

"when we are disappointed in things it reveals that our hope was in them. And in those moments we have missed out on an opportunity to put our hope in God" --L.Lett

We aren't street-kids. I am a daughter of the most high, so I need to stop acting like I am a street-kid. Everything has been richly provided for me by my Father, so why do I think I'm a street-kid who has to run around and steel to fill my needs?

I have to be hoping fully in the living God and taking my satisfaction from him alone and until I can do this I can never really care for the souls of other people because I am constantly trying to fill my own needs with them. "The problem with idolatry is that it dishonors God and destroys the people we love"--Mark Driscoll

There is more...by God's grace I am being taught a lot of things and have been shown a lot of my sin. Jesus is God. I pray I would live like I believe that.

senior year

2009-10-03T02:25:00.003-04:00

my senior year has begun.
i am laying on the floor of my third floor room. only two of my roommates are home and the house feels still. it's 2:30 and i keep telling myself i need to get to sleep, i have things to do tomorrow, homework to finish, people to see. but it's a friday, a friday night of my senior year of college, and i don't need to sleep. i could lay on my floor all night if i wanted. if i was so inclined, i could sleep right here, in the middle of my carpet.
i am tempted to fill this post with my recollections of how it used to be and my anticipations for the future. i could tell you how i can hardly breathe when i think about how fast it is all moving, not college, but my life, sanctification, ministry. i could tell you how scared i am for things to change and how i cannot imagine myself in the next stage of my life. i could even spend my time unpacking how incredible the Lord's restoration has been in me over the past three years, but i wont.

time is moving fast and that's okay. i pray that i know you God, otherwise it's a waste.

relationships.

2009-09-02T15:46:00.008-04:00

i desire relationships. i want people in my life that will ask me about my soul. i feel like my heart is aching for people who will look me in the face and ask me what i am doing. people who will call out my sin, speak to me the truth of the gospel, and then hold me accountable. i know that in order to have these relationships i need to be real, honest with people, let my friends see what trash i am without fearing that they will turn away. i don't want to be impressive, i want to be holy. i know that the Lord is sanctifying me, but i want more of it.
i see so much of my sin through some of my friendships. people who are gracious and let me be difficult and manipulative. i see the gospel through the way they treat me. through their patience and love i see myself clearly. i am thankful that i have people who love me despite my deep sin, but i crave that they would not let me sit here in my unrighteousness.

i pray that i would know how to lead others to holiness as well.
i pray that you would transform my heart to purge the things that cause me to sin. the things that make the race hard to run.

i pray that my friendships would not be in vain. that i would not have good friends just for the sake of being friends. may our relationships lead us to repent and glory in Christ.
i pray for my friendships with jody, meaghan, mal, leigh, and janis.

i pray that this would be important in my friendship with faith.
i pray that i would not wait for others to call out my sin, but that i would be constantly praying, repenting, getting rid of things from my life, and creating ways to be accountable to those things.
i pray that i would enjoy you Lord.

summer.

2009-07-16T19:02:00.002-04:00

in may, i was so excited for the summer. i could not wait to be released from the weight of my classes, having four months of freedom ahead of me. the bliss of summer also meant stomaching a few losses. my lacrosse team, 14 seniors, no longer having some of these familiar faces will change the way i coach, if i do, for the years to come. my roommates, not only does my house disperse during the summer...jobs, classes, camp, summer staff, peru...but three of my roommates will move out soon. our house will be different. i am excited for the change but the end of this era is bittersweet. my sister, in nine days my dad will give this girl away to another man. i love daniel and am glad for my sisters joy and happiness, but the idea of no longer sharing some of our traditions cuts me up inside. these are just a few among many changes that pivot and fall around my summer and as i look back to sitting in the biggs' living room in may, i have already experienced most of the things on that list. mid-july, birthday soon and wedding just around the corner, and half my summer is gone.
it makes me reevaluate what i want from my summer. i pray that i can come out of these four months confidently saying i know the lord better. i plead for that, because i am terrified it wont happen. i am terrified these months of freedom will become about me.
father i thank you for the warmth. i thank you that i have very little responsibilities or obligations this summer. i pray that i would be serious about pursuing your face. like paul i pray that anything that would be a hindrance to this pursuit i would gladly get rid of. that you may taste sweeter than any of my fleshly affections.

broke

2009-07-08T03:45:00.002-04:00

for the sake of the world, I thank the Lord, that the truth's not contingent on me.

i want Christ. i can't seem to get this right. i praise you God that it has been paid for, that the battle has been won. i want to know you, but i do the things i do not want to do. my heart hurts. hurts like a whore chasing after her lovers. i can feel gomers pain, as she runs to the things she thought were bringing her love, joy, and comfort, and suddenly she can't reach them. they don't want her anymore.
i desire to be obsessed with the cross but i am failed by my weaknesses. thank you that this faith is not contingent upon my ability. thank you that you are doing things in me that i don't understand.

"wealth and honor I disdain,

earthly comforts, Lord are vain;

these can never satisfy:

give me Christ, or else I die.

all unholy and unclean,

I am nothing but sin;

on thy mercy I rely;

give me Christ, or else I die."

biggs.

2009-05-14T03:34:00.003-04:00

it's 3:30am and i'm sitting in the biggs' living room. i can't sleep because i jacked myself up on a pot of coffee not that long ago. i am in the process of filling my head with worthless human nutrition information. things that i don't believe are real, but will inevitably memorize for my midterm. i can't study anymore. these midterms make me nervous because i don't feel like we have learned anything, so i'm sitting at my computer staring at worthless powerpoints thinking, what could possibly be on this test?

breakfast in 2 hours, that will make my stomach ache all the way back to campus...
the end of my third pickerington lacrosse season. i never imagined that this would be the hardest senior class to lose. it is.
getting through the next three weeks of spanish.
rockbridge leader weekend.
north carolina, saranac, counting crows, freedom, sleeping in, heat...
pursuing holiness. philippians three style.
being friends with meaghan.
weddings. change. new roommates.
everyday feels closer to summer. i can't wait. i can't wait.
...i'm going to order french toast.

broken and contrite

2009-05-04T23:15:00.002-04:00

i was thinking yesterday...i wonder who reads this.
i wonder if this is what this space should be for me.
i wonder if this should be lighter.

tonight i realized, i don't want to be funny here. i don't need your comments. i don't care who reads this. i pray that this would be a testament to the cross of Christ that has saved me. i pray that these words would not be in vain, but that they would stir up holy praise toward you and you alone God.

things i have been learning...
1) the Holy Spirit is real. living, active, and powerful. you are the voice of God in my heart.
2) there is nothing worth pursuing besides Christ.
3) the previous statement is hard to be obedient to.
4) when i sin, i sin against God and God alone.
5) i am not cool. i have nothing to offer anyone except Christ.
6) sin must be repented of.
7) satan hates me and is wickedly scheming, that i may believe lies. i must know my own gospel.
8) God changes hearts, not me.
9) i must not create castles of sand. the things i have layed up for myself will rust, spoil, and fade. they are defiled and will most likely wage war against my soul, whether sinful or morally neutral.
10) the Son of Man is coming at a time we do not expect, and as his faithful servants, we must be waiting and ready for him. that when he returns we shall not find ourselves asleep or doing evil.

holiness.

2009-04-28T23:58:00.002-04:00

that piper video jacks me up. like it makes me desire holiness.
i have been struggling recently with how easy it is to give in to idolatry. how absolutely terrifying it is when i open my eyes and realize they aren't fixed on Christ. i convince myself that it's okay, and it's not, it never is, never. i must pursue holiness with dedication. the thing is, following Christ is hard. i often feel like a small child who cannot seem to remember how to spell their own name. it brings me comfort to see how much Christ loved his disciples despite their unbelief. how he lovingly taught them despite their inability to understand. thank you that there is grace. i beg that i could be the kind of person that paul wants to be in philippians three. i pray that the desires of my heart would match the work of my hands.
i am not doing well in school. i don't seem to care. nor do i care that i don't care. i pray that i would be pursuing you. i pray that i would be passionate about seeking repentance. i pray that my heart would be steadfast and pure. i pray that you would kill these wicked and sinful desires in me.
i pray that my time with people would not be a product of my desire to be loved and cared for. i beg that it would be a product of my realization that i am fully loved and deeply cared for, in Christ. i pray that i would cling to the gospel, because it's all that i have.

my desire.

2009-04-16T12:43:00.001-04:00

what do i want?
i have been thinking about this for the past few weeks. what is it that i want to be known for? what do i want to be committed to? to give my time to, to give all my effort, where am i going to find my value? my comfort? my joy?
the gospel. that's what i want.
it's going to be hard. beautifully hard.

The Gospel

2009-04-15T00:40:00.001-04:00

the cross is open. it is open that we may come. we are never in too deep. this is the gospel.

wrung out.

2009-04-07T20:51:00.003-04:00

okay, so here's the deal...
i'm wrestling. i'm wrestling with what it is for me to know the Lord. what it is for me to seek him and him alone. what it could possibly mean to live how paul speaks in philippians three.
it's like i think i have a grasp on it, and i'm reading and praying, i'm trying to be obedient and setting up things and people to keep me accountable, and i look like i have it all together, and it's going well, and then all a sudden i wake up in a cold sweat wondering if maybe i'm outside the kingdom of God. like am i doing this right or have i just made myself into a really good "christian". the worst thing is, you can't ask your friends. like i can't sit down with the people who know me well and say, "hey, what do you think? am i actually pursuing the Lord or do i just have the actions down?" i can't do that because i am afraid i do have the actions down. i'm afraid that maybe i am fooling those closest to me as well. maybe this isn't where i'm at. maybe i do get it, and this rough path of helplessly following the Lord is actually glorifying. maybe i am on the path of holiness, but i can't help to think, what if i'm not. i don't think that this is an unhealthy fear for me at this point. i would rather wrestle now than assume that everything is fine and wake up one day and find myself outside the kingdom of God.
so here i am. over the past two weeks i have neglected to deeply pursue God. i have let my friendships and my ministry own me. i have sought people, things, and success for my hope and joy and have been drastically let down. i am wrung out. i have drank far too much coffee. ate puppy chow till i felt sick. relied too much on texting. shamelessly pursued love from those who i claim to share the gospel with. i have been lazy and disobedient.
i have done everything i know to medicate myself. i am tired and i have no life in me.
i know that only Christ gives life. I don't want to dependently seek it from other places. i want my heart to be steadfast. i am thankful that i belong to a throne that is always open, a cross that is constantly washing me clean, and a savior that lives as an intercessor for me.

whom have i in heaven but you?
and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
[psalm 73:25-26]

truth.

2009-03-05T22:31:00.002-05:00

Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way youlearned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
[Ephesians 4:17-24]

i need to hear this.

pray.

2009-02-16T13:49:00.021-05:00

I hope that this isn't about me. I plead that this worthless attempt to be a light isn't about me, that it isn't about my own glory, that it isn't about my ability to convince anyone of the gospel. I beg the Lord that I am not confused about that because I think it will be absolutely deadly to my ministry and my soul. And so I'm praying, and I'm asking you to pray, and I'm asking you to keep me accountable to prayer.

natalie. I praise the Lord that he has changed this girls life. I know that my words were not convincing. I know that you are the only one that changes hearts. I beg that you would continue to open her eyes. Continue to pursue her and refine her. I pray that this little girl would fall on her knees before the throne of grace. I pray that the curtain being torn would be the greatest news of her life. I am so blessed to be apart of the gospel changing people. Getting to watch death to life.

evan. Lord I beg that you would remove the veil. I beg that you would open her eyes. I pray that the truth that she knows, the gospel she understands, the blood that was shed for her would penetrate her. I pray that it
would be more than doctrine. I pray that you would open her eyes to the glory of your grace. That she would know how much she needs to be saved from her sin and would realize that this grace is for her. The cross is for you evan. This forgiveness, it's for you. This is the only place there is life, the only place there is comfort and freedom, and it is for you.

sarah. Lord I pray that the seed that has been planted would grow. I pray for healthy soil. I pray that she is being fed. Lord I beg that this seed would not be parched, choked out, or eaten up. I pray that I could encourage and teach her but that she would be seeking to learn truth from other places also. I pray that you would use the wounds in her past to lead her to a cross that is full of grace. A cross that bids us to come and die. A cross that offers freedom and complete love.

katie. I pray that she would find herself in need of a savior. I pray she would feel overwhelmed by the weight of living in a broken world. I pray that being a good person would no longer be sufficient. I pray that her heart would be softened to the gospel. That she would realize her need. I pray for boldness in the way I love, live, and speak truth to her. I pray her eyes would be opened.

bethany. May she understand the gospel. May she know that it is the only place there is life. I pray that Philippians three would dig deeply into her heart. I pray she would come to see that nothing is worth comparing to knowing Christ and being found in him. I pray that you would continue to refine her and work out her salvation through fear and trembling. I pray that the gospel that grabbed a hold of her heart would continue to change her.

alice. I beg that she would know her need for a savior. I plead that she would know you. Lord this is not me. If anyone has taught me that I am not capable to change hearts, it is this girl. I beg that she could know you deeply. I pray that you would use her for your glory. I plead that she would get to be apart of this. I ask that you would show me what my role looks like in this and that you would continue to remind me that this is your work that I simply get to be apart of.

ali. Lord I trust you. I trust what you are doing in her heart. I trust that you are working out her salvation and I pray for her salvation. I pray that you would continue to refine her. Tear down walls that she has built. I pray that the true gospel would be made known to her. I pray she could see the glory of the cross. I pray she would know it is for her. I pray it would steal the depths of her soul.

amy. Father, please. This is your work. I pray her heart would be softened. I pray that she would come to the foot of the cross. Lord I pray for my time with her, that I could love and encourage, that truth would be spoken. I pray she would know that the gospel is for her. It doesn't matter where she has been. The gospel is for her.

remind me again.

2009-02-14T16:38:00.005-05:00

freedom.
freedom from sin. of which i am promised i will be, and am being, delivered.
freedom from this heavy yolk. that i no longer have to bear the weight. the weight of being broken in a broken world.
freedom from these binding chains. of the things i have done. the things i can't seem to get away from. the things i hate, but still do.
freedom from worthless sacrifices. the curtain is torn.
freedom from my past that haunts me.
freedom from expectations. the future i built in my mind. my skewed idea of perfection.
freedom from my wicked heart and my sinful lusts.
freedom from being loved, known, and comforted by people.
freedom from my fleshly desires. from myself.
freedom to walk in grace and not works.
freedom to be completely known...and still deeply loved and pursued. still a soul you wish to restore.
freedom to count it all as loss. count it all as loss compared to knowing Christ and being found in him.
freedom to worship you.
freedom to know you and be satisfied in you.
freedom.

godliness.

2009-02-09T20:48:00.002-05:00

Godliness?
Godliness doesn't accidentally happen.
It never accidentally happens.
No one wakes up on Tuesday, godly.
“I press on. I strive. I toil.”

[the line between all that we want to be and all that we hate is thinner and smaller, and closer than any one ever wants to talk about.]

reality.

2009-02-09T18:36:00.003-05:00

I am caught up in reality. Jesus is good. He is the only place there is life and he is good. Life has beat the crap out of me and his redemption is so sweet. This life is tainted, soaked with sin, covered with the taste of our own passions. This place, it smells like lust and adultery, can you smell it? The sound of bleating sacrifices and none are saved. The feeling, the pain, of knees hitting the ground before golden calves, golden cars, golden earnings, wives, husbands, friends, success, mirrors. This world is hard. Jesus is good. May I praise his glorious grace. I am caught up in reality. The reality that this world is fallen and wicked but that I no longer belong to this world, its lustful cravings or sinful desires, I am washed by the blood of Christ into his grace.

photograph malife.

2009-02-06T00:13:00.017-05:00

these are my favorite days...

riding our bikes on back roads in the middle of no where.

wishing we had a bike pump, carving our names into tree trunks, throwing corn, and collecting leaves.

summer campaigners,
fairfield swings,

and new friends.

getting lost,

getting stuck,

and wishing i had a tow strap...
"the game"

summer swinging

and camp otterbein creeking.

this is what happens when you play the game for too long. you find creepy-awesome places to settle down and raise a family.

peed at the top of this.

til kingdom come.

2009-02-01T19:35:00.001-05:00

Excerpts from Jonathan Edwards Resolutions:

"Resolved, to act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God. "

"Resolved, never to say anything at all against anybody, but when it is perfectly agreeable to the highest degree of Christian honor, and of love to mankind, agreeable to the lowest humility, and sense of my own faults and failings, and agreeable to the golden rule; often, when I have said anything against anyone, to bring it to, and try it strictly by the test of this Resolution."

Christ i want to know you. i pray that my frustrations would stir a healthy fear within me. i pray i would be spurred on to change in myself what i hate about the world. i pray my relationship with you would be authentic, that it would be real, that i wouldn't be giving you lip service. i want to know you. i want to be found in you. i pray that you would show me what it means to count it all as loss. i pray you would give me a patient heart that is constantly at the throne of grace.

this again.

2009-01-20T17:30:00.002-05:00

she had four white stallions coming around the bend...
four more seasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more reasons why i can't go back there again.
God how i hate myself for still wanting her.
damn these nights are dreaming visions soft and sure,
cause i wake to find there's nothing left of me in her,
nothing more than a heart still at war.
she had four white stallions coming around the bend,
four strong angels already sinned.
i got four good reasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more seasons for all that's broken to mend.
i got four more reasons why i can't go back there again.
i got four good reasons why i can't go back there again.

i want to be okay. to not just be okay but to be content and satisfied in the Lord. i want to rid myself of the things that call out for my affectionate embraces. i know that the only way i can do that and do that well is to love the Lord infinitely more. to know the Lord more. to be more consumed with Him.
sometimes i want to wish away the hurt. i want to instantly be healed. i want things to be better, to get what i want, or not, but at least to be okay. i know that my thorns cannot be wished away. so i pray. and i plead. that i might get to see freedom on this side of eternity, and if not then i pray i would be falling more in love with you as you call me to be obedient and faithful to your word.
relying on truth.
pleading in prayer for my soul.
repenting daily where i fall short.
making my weaknesses known to the people around me.
being obedient when the Spirit calls.
knowing the gospel that has saved me.
meditating on the word.
constantly coming back to the throne of grace.
this is all i know. this is where i have found myself. and it's good, because God is good, and he loves me deeply and fully. this again. it's always back to this again.

obsessed.

2009-01-20T10:57:00.002-05:00

i think we are addicted to being obsessed with things, people.
i hate how attractive obsession is. to be so into something that you can rarely think about anything else. i want to cut that out. i no longer want to be obsessed with things, obsessed with people.
may i have a steadfast obsession for the Lord that leaves me with no desire or room to seek that kind of affection in anything else.

confessing.

2009-01-06T16:00:00.002-05:00

"debauchery. to have no control over something. whatever that thing is, maybe it's porn, maybe it's a self image that makes yourself throw up, maybe it's drugs and alcohol, but debauchery is that thing that when we're over here and we're away from it we can tell you all about it. we're like it's not right, this is what it does in my life, and this is how it destroys me, and this is why it isn't good, and this is the fruit of it, and it's dark, and i hate it and i don't want to do it. but as we get near it, it owns us and we will rationalize and jump over all the fences that we built around it to get to it. debauchery. that thing that owns us that we just can't say no to. that thing that over here we say it's not right it's not healthy and i shouldn't do it, but then we'll rationalize around all our defense mechanisms and get there. it's dark. that sound like freedom to you?"

picture.

2009-01-06T00:17:00.002-05:00

i have gained an obsession for the song picture by sheryl crow and kid rock. i used to hate it because it was significantly over played and kid rock is annoying, but recently it's been playing constantly in my car, by choice.
i am not entirely sure where this is going, but i am stirred to write, so i will.
i think that this song has been comforting to me. something about breaking the chains between relationships that tie you down in idolatry and no longer being dependent. something about not talking to someone for three damn nights and being okay. i understand that they aren't okay in the song, but i want to be. it would be lie to say that i am okay, that i do not struggle with idolatry, that i don't put people in positions to try and satisfy my soul, but i want to be free. recently i think i have tasted some of that. life is hard. (it's so encouraging to me that piper talks frequently about life being hard. about the deep waters and pains of midlife and trying to follow the Lord.) a couple sermons have really been turning within me recently. like where paul tells us to stop being infants and get off the bottle. to finally deal seriously with our junk and repent. that we need to be confessing and letting people know where we are weak and where we are hurting. that we need to be serious about that because we will never get solid food, we will never experience the deep things of God if we don't. these ideas have overtaken my mind. i need people to know me deeply. i need there to be a couple people who know how hard it is for me to not want to be known, comfortable, and satisfied in relationships. that's my downfall, my desire to fill my void with people. maybe not even people as a general whole, but a couple specific people, and life is hard. it's hard to not rely on someone to love you when you feel lonely or hurt. it's hard to not make that phone call simply because you know you are only filling the void. it's hard to let relationships go.
i hate change, so watching any relationship shift and move in my life is difficult, but what about when that relationship owned you. (maybe no one will know what i'm talking about and that's fine. to be honest i forget that people will read this. i would rather they didn't to be honest. know that i am not writing this for people. i don't desire approval, that's what i'm saying, i don't want it. in some weird way this is a conversation between me and the Lord, that's all.) what about when you were apart of a relationship that completely owned you. your self worth, comfort, and joy came from that relationship. you banked on being supported and loved by that person. what about when you have to let that one go? what about when that entire relationship changes because they don't love you anymore? and it's okay because you know that they could never really fill you in the long run anyways, and you know that it is the Lord's plan to release your hands from the things of this world and focus your eyes on him, but how painful is the next 2, 5, 10, 30 years? those years where you constantly have to remind yourself that knowing the Lords and being known by Him is better. not only better but it's only. the only place there is life. how painful is it when your world is rocked and turned upside down because the thing you love the most isn't the Lord. and you want the the Lord and you want to know Him more and fully, but loosing that thing, releasing our hands is so painfully hard. pleading. weeping. sweating blood. life is hard and God is good. Jesus and the cross have become even more precious as i am constantly reminded how deep this inherent sin is within me.
so i scream the words to that song knowing that the Lord is changing me. it hurts but i know that something is different. there are tears and pain in the offering but Jesus it is for you and i give it up that i may know you and be known by you. may i put the pictures away, my idols the things that own me. may i release them because of a greater love for you. may i give them up because i want to, not because i have to or because i am mad that they don't fill me anymore. i am hurt and you are healing my heart. i received that from the cross. thank you.

i am fine.

2009-01-03T13:35:00.004-05:00

in song lyrics i am...

thinking it's been a long december and there is reason to believe that this year will be better than the last.
i am covered in skin, no one gets to come in.
this dizzy life is just a hanging tree.
i wanna be bob dylan.
pull me out from inside.
trying to remember so i don't disappear.
cause i, i want to be someone who believes.
that's when i know i have to get out because i have been there before.
hey, i can bleed as well as anyone, but i need someone to help me sleep.
and i've been up all night, i might sleep all day.
just waiting for the daylight to come crawling in on me.
she's suddenly beautiful, we all want something beautiful.
coffee black and egg white.
sha la, la, la, la, la, la.
well i'm alive, i'm alive, but im sinking in.
but i loved like a fountain, and it left me with nothing.
i gotta get out of here and go walking in the sun.
you know i gotta get out, but im stuck so tight
weighted by the chains that keep me.
but it all keeps coming back in the morning.
and nobody knows me.
i am taffy stuck and tongue tied.
way, way, way, way, too long.
after all the dreaming i come home again.
i am ready, i am fine.

please.

2009-01-03T00:58:00.004-05:00

do we write for comments?
i don't want to. i don't want to write for you anymore.
nothing against you.
i like you.
it's me i don't like.
my sin. my pride. my comfort. health wealth and prosperity. i have heard too much joel osteen and rod parsley today. elaina and i watch them and then yell things at the tv. i love wasting my time with her.
they make me crazy. honestly i get angry. like something inside of me is going to burst. how do people not see. is this message freeing to you? is this honestly the gospel your ears have longed to hear?
it's something in me that screams for comfort.
begs to be known. will plead and sob to be loved.
that's who i don't like.
i don't like the desire that owns me. that destroys me.
it's not you its me.
joel it might be you. it might be you i don't like. my question is, in your heart do you honestly see nothing wrong with the "gospel" you are preaching? i want to know the condition of your heart. i think you might not know that it's false. maybe you do. whatever.
jesus' blood never fails me.
tell me how the blood fixes this mess. the mess i daily find myself in. submersed in sin. i am inherently sinful. how is that washed? when do i feel clean? when is the weight of this broken sinful world going to lift. going to lift enough that i can breathe.

0 COMMENTS

i sold my piano

2009-01-03T00:45:00.001-05:00

in case you should wonder and wanted to find me
i'm traveling homeward to washington square...

nehemiah 8:10

2008-12-27T00:06:00.004-05:00

[read the scriptures. they are good and they are how we know the Lord. saturate yourself in the word of God and remind me often to do the same.]

"i know of no other way to triumph over sin long-term than to gain a distaste for it because of a superior satisfaction in God...God remains gloriously all-satisfying. The human heart remains a ceaseless factory of desires. Sin remains powerfully and suicidally appealing. The battle remains: Where will we drink? Where will we feast?...Feast on God." (pg. 12)

i have read the preface, the first four pages, of Desiring God by John Piper and i am left in awe. these few words have made me want to be a christian hedonist. i am moved by what can only be the Spirit and i think i might cry. that's all.

may we fall in love.

2008-12-21T00:00:00.003-05:00

i started to read this piper book tonight and when i say started i mean that i've owned it for a while now and i open it occasionally but never really commit myself. i have a feeling this was not pipers intent for his readers (mostly because he told me that in the forward, not because i know him). anyways i got a few lines in and decided to seek out the scripture he was referencing, Ephesians 3:16 about strengthening the inner man. this intrigued me. as i read it in context i found that this was a passage i know well, or at least i thought i did. it's about God's love right? how wide and deep and all that jazz...it really is beautiful. looking at it in context i believe that paul is addressing the people of Ephesus to tell them that the good news of Christ, the mystery that has been hidden, is also for them, the gentiles. paul states that he, the very least of all the saints, has been sent to proclaim this message of Christ. what good news that really is. can you imagine, as a gentile, hearing that for the first time?
Ephesians 3:14-19 the text says this...

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

paul is saying, people of Ephesus, may you be strengthened by the Spirit deep within you. may you know Christ. have faith. have faith. trust. trust in Christ that he loves you and that his love is so far beyond what we can understand. that in knowing this love we will be filled with all the fullness of God.
it seems that every time before i have missed it. i have read this and been like, "wow God's love is big. that's beautiful." but never before have i grasped that once i know Christs love, once i have fallen deeply in love with Christ, it is then that i will be filled with the fullness of God. and that's what we all want right? that's what we crave. to be satisfied. to know God fully.
to fall in love with Christ. to understand how great he is and to fall in love with him. that is it. how that is accomplished i am not sure, but i know that we are called to pursue answers. hebrews 5 and 6 opened my eyes tonight. i cannot simply be content with milk. i cannot constantly be building the foundation. the author of hebrews urges us to deal boldly with our junk. repent. take this seriously. pursue Christ. walk in such a way that we are living out hebrews 5:14.
"But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil."

constant practice. may that be us. may we fall deeply in love with Christ.

"doing well..."

2008-12-19T14:31:00.005-05:00

i want to know Christ.
i want to deeply push into him and know him how he really is.
i don't want to be consumed by "good christianity".
christianity that asks:
did i spend time with the lord?
am i memorizing scripture?
are people keeping me accountable?
AM I DOING WELL?
am i surrounded by fellowship?
am i loving people well?

don't misunderstand me, these questions are good questions, and they are probably things we need to be asking ourselves more, but for me, right now, i hate the questions. the perfect sequence of questions that if answered correctly mean that i am successfully doing christianity. i've spent a good portion of my life seeking to be the right answers, as if following Jesus somehow means i have to be "doing well". what is doing well anyways? i hate that question.
i have found myself in this place, where i desperately want to know Christ. i'm falling short everyday. i choose to not spend time with him. i choose my sin over righteousness. i choose to be loved by the world instead of knowing truth. in doing these things i have completely exhausted myself. i am let down and worn out. i feel abandoned by the relationships and idols i have tried to surround myself with, all the while i know that it is Christ who loves me and defines me. it is you Jesus who knows me and comforts me. you understand. you are consistent. you are all the things that i am so helplessly seeking for other people to be for me.
so i am here. i feel helpless because it seems as much as i try to push into Christ i can't be satisfied. it seems like every time i begin to wrap my mind around truth satan shows up and starts talking. it seems impossible for me to loosen my grip around some of my idols. if i were to be honest with people, like really honest, i would tell them that i have been fighting for a few years to put some of these idols to death. i sob till i can't cry anymore. constantly battling lies in my head. trying to break down my justifications. constantly having to remind myself where my worth comes from and who it is that does love me. trying to believe that it's enough. i spend days without food so that i can remember to pray my heart out for this thing that kills my joy. i want a new heart, i want a heart that doesn't struggle with this anymore. so often i feel like paul (which is something i cannot often say, but in this one circumstance), i feel like paul wrestling with God, begging him to take the thorn away. i pray that this thing wouldn't own me. i pray that i could worship you. know you deeply. if "my grace is sufficient for you" is the answer i am receiving then i pray you would give me a better understanding of your grace.
maybe i am describing the battle that everyone feels. this struggle to want to know God. love him passionately. maybe other people really do understand this moment when everything catches up to you and you know you aren't following Christ because it's cute or even because it is "the best way". all of a sudden you are following Christ because it seems like in him is the only way you can breathe. in this moment when the weight of being inherently sinful catches up to us. like we can feel the tearing of our soul. like the gravity of being broken and living in a broken world pushes down on us, crushing everything we thought we knew. it's this moment where my lips repeat, i need to know you. i want to know you. please God. i am pleading with you. i beg that i could know you. i want to know you. i need you. i want you to be enough. may i be obsessed with you. i plead.

2008-12-10T23:55:00.002-05:00

my face is hot. burning eyes,
why do i crave to sob when sobbing burns?
body exhausted,
from my head down.
mind is clouded, not fit for use. i don't want to use it anyway.
i want to be comfortable.
don't want to think: to analyze. deep ecology ruins me.
but i must, must i? what am i called to? who is calling me?
excuse me, did you say something?
it burns.
when you cry too much, too much for anyone to handle,
too much to handle yourself,
it burns. your face. my face i mean.
my face is hot.
please, someone. someone understand this.
someone tell me i'm not mad. make me comfortable.
you can't. i've tried.
you wont. i've tried.
excuse me, i'm trying to think. stop tempting me.
don't make this hard.
this is already hard.
why wont you clear it?
the clouds. clear them. i need to think.
by think i mean focus.
by focus do i mean believe?
stop tempting me.
tell me i'm not going mad. tell me this makes sense.

goodbye november.

2008-11-28T23:50:00.002-05:00

dear blogspot.
at request, i am here. it's a friday night, the night after thanksgiving, and i am in columbus. this thanksgiving is really weird for me, really weird in a painful way. I haven't spent a thanksgiving in columbus since i can remember. Every year me, my mom, stepdad, and sister all travel to delaware to visit my grandpa. this is usually my favorite holiday. my family comes together and piles into the small house on kensington lane. everyone stands around all day eating cheese and watching my mom cook in my grandmothers kitchen. this is the time that i get to see my cousins, my aunts, my uncles. i get to spend three nights staying up late with my mom and sister, eating cold turkey sandwiches watching rachel ray and law and order svu. last year was different, my grandpa was in the nursing home and we ate at my aunts. this year has completely confused me. i have spent the last three days sitting around my house feeling like it is winter break. christmas? easter? what holiday are we celebrating? my sister is home, which is comforting, i love her. i don't write this because i am sad, i inevitably am, but that is not why I'm writing. this isn't meant to make you feel bad. this is simply where i am. i am in my kitchen. stressed about exams, wishing i was somewhere I'm not with the lord, wanting so badly for time to slow down. i hate the feeling of loosing places you love. when somewhere you cherish no longer exists. a house, a room, a relationship. that is hard for me, really hard. i pray that i could keep my eyes focused on the lord. keep my eyes focused on the kingdom, knowing that my time here is short anyway. may i know you lord. may i fear you. may i seek you. may i be satisfied there.

i'm just okay.

2008-09-22T22:08:00.003-04:00

i am okay. sitting on the third floor of this random duplex house that has become my home over the past year, and i'm okay. no more. no less.
something hit me today. i don't know what it was, my lack of sleep, poor diet, the change in seasons, i could not tell you, but it centered in on my body today and wrecked me. my body has felt weak and useless all day. things i can normally do without thinking--like climbing a flight of stairs, getting up to go to the bathroom, forming sentences or thoughts--have become long and draining tasks that have completely wiped me of all my strength.
i have been sitting in my bed trying to gather what is going on in my head into cohesive thoughts and all i can come up with is how i am just okay. physically...mentally...spiritually, i am worn out. i have been listening to a couple sermons this week and the lord, through matt, is constantly telling me that i need to get help. i need to get help for what tears me apart inside. i need to be honest about where i struggle. i need to not only diligently ask for the lord's help in prayer but then take the steps to seek it. and i don't desire to be strong anymore, if there is something that has changed about me in the past year, it is this. i no longer desire to stand on the throne i have built for myself, recklessly trying to hold together my crap before it falls apart at my feet, where it is visible and embarrassing. i want to be known. i want to be found out. i want to be honest about where i really am and i want really fellowship that presses in deep to the places that hurt and preaches the gospel. i want accountability. i am starving for relationships that aren't about how cool i can be. i am desperate for people who desire to pursue the depths of who i really am and not because a friendship with me looks intriguing or sexy. i am tired of being cool. give me people that care for me simply because they love you lord, not because i am anything. i would rather be starved for fellowship than be in idolatry.
so here i am, speaking to the lord and not necessarily the people who i know will read my blogspot, i am just okay. you know lord that i am just okay. you know that i struggle. you know that i fear that i am only suppressing the things that make me hurt rather than giving them to you. these thorns in my flesh, that i have spent the past year trying to hide, have become increasingly hard to carry. i know that your power in my weakness is what you desire, and i am asking you to please help me. take these burdens and carry them. show me what it means to be real with people and to get help. show me where i am to run when it feels like the weight of my sin is crashing down on me. my prayer is that you may be my God. my only God whom i seek to serve and love, and that you may work out your glory in me according to your plan. i pray that this weak vessel may be fit for thy use.

silence.

2008-09-10T01:51:00.004-04:00

blogspot feels dead. like everyone forgot about it. including myself. like suddenly we dont have enough time to write about our days. write about our God. or maybe we have too much time.
i will write soon.
for now...i have been riding my bike a lot. it's 'free spirit' brand. i've felt free.

rejoice in this divine romance.

2008-06-17T23:18:00.003-04:00

for the past week i have been running.
last tuesday was one of those days where i just felt gross. i hadn't worked out in a while and my body was beginning to feel lethargic. so i ran. i ran to gooddale park and stopped. i was winded and worn out, but the park was beautiful and i layed on a bench for thirty minutes just looking into the sky.
i have tried to commit myself to running for years. i usually get about three days in and then i remember how much i hate running. how my body aches and my throat burns and the only thing i like about running is being done with running. but by sunday this week i was craving it. i have been running to sermons and thinking about the lord. i run through the nearly abandoned streets of victorian village, where the roads sit quietly and there aren't other runners to decide my pace. i just run. occasionally i get to wave to couples sitting on their porch or a cat crossing the sidewalk will change my pace. but for the most part, i just run.
my roommates are weirded out. honestly, honestly, it's just good time with the lord. i don't really care about being in shape. (i mean i do to an extent, because i'm a girl.) but for the most part it is just beautiful time. and because i am not focused on how much i run or how fast, but rather focused on the lord, i am able to run like i have never ran.
the point of all of this is that i could tell you about tonight...
today i didn't really feel like running but as the evening approached i put on my shoes and headed out. i wasn't even to king ave and i could feel that today was going to be different. my body felt great. i made my way well past my regular path and down into the city. i was breathing fine and actually enjoying myself. running back to campus, through the allies, i watched the sun set over houses. purple and pink clouds caught my vision as i moved out from under branches of tall trees. i made it back to my house but wasn't tired so i continued to run. looping around dorms and zigzagging down streets, i couldn't seem to tire myself out. i started thinking about how this running thing is very much like my relationship with the lord. i have to make the decision to spend time with him everyday. i have to do it even when i don't feel like it. some days are hard and everything in my body says who cares, why are you doing this? and some days are beautiful. i am refreshed as i am reminded of the gospel. i am comfortable in his gospel. the gospel that was set forth for me. my gospel. and i am easily pushing forward in his glory.
today. my run. was like that. i feel like i could have ran forever and the only reason i stopped was because i was bored. because i wanted to come inside and read. after 5 miles of running--letting the roads take me where ever they wished, listening to beau hughs talk about remembering the gospel--i switched my ipod to true love. making a final lap around my block i sprinted up death alley from market place to my house. "when blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down." that's the gospel. the gospel that saves me.
i forced myself to stop in front of my house and my body felt a rush that was unknown to me until tonight. as i layed on the hood of my car listening to phil praise the lord for how beautiful he is, i was satisfied. in that moment. i was satisfied.

for thought.

2008-06-16T11:14:00.002-04:00

“How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose!... You drove them from me, you who are the true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place, you who are sweeter than all pleasures, though not to flesh and blood; you outshine all light, yet are hidden deeper than any of the secrets in our heart; You who surpass all honor, though not in the eyes of men who see all honor in themselves....O Lord, my God, my light my wealth, my Salvation...you who are sweeter than all pleasures.”--Augustine“O to behold the glory of Christ...Herein would I live; herein would I die; herein would I dwell in my thoughts and affections...until all things below become unto me a dead and deformed thing, no way suitable for affectionate embraces.” John Owen

the flood of 08

2008-06-13T00:15:00.007-04:00

[here's to me hoping that meaghan will see that i have returned to the blogspot world and she will soon come back as well.]

today the rain fell. i was at starbucks with katie. visiting meaghan on one of her long exhausting shifts, and i could smell the rain. one of those days when you could feel it in the air long before it begins. i told meaghan i would pick her up from work, out of fear that she would get off and it would be pouring.
as i was sitting on my couch, after i had returned her safely to the ark, the rains came. it fell lightly at first. then a multitude of small clear drops formed a transparent blanket of rain, layering down on the streets. thunder cracked around the house that we had made our home for the past year and lightning flashed daringly.
angela and i slowly lost attention in the tv and stood on the porch. it was the sound of white sheets of rain hitting rushing water. the streets had become waterways. as cans and trash floated down the allies they tempted us. come and play. and visions of canoes and mighty sailing adventures filled my mind. i stood under the safety of our porch for about ten minutes before i caved. i seriously questioned my decision to run out into the wild mess that hunter ave had become. mostly because i knew i was wearing clean clothes. clean clothes is something i currently do not have.

as i made my way out into the street letting the rain fall hard against my face, instantly soaking everything i had on, i remembered how much i love the rain. i remembered days when i was young, probably 11 or 12, when i would run out into my driveway and lay down. letting the water cover and consume me. i remembered being at rockbridge my senior year of camp and it rained all week. the pressure was so strong at times that we showered outside. i remembered falling to my knees in the shower one day last spring, begging to be cleaned.

i remembered being at tar hollow last summer with kelly. when the rain fell so hard. like it did today. everything was canceled for the day because of the rain. and i remember dancing. dancing in the rain like i was free. i remember taking kellys hand and running to the dock. eventually sprinting. running until my legs gave out and i fell at the edge of the dock and let the rain cover me. letting it take me in and wash me. i remember praying that i would be free. i remember praying that this would somehow symbolize the blood the pours over me daily.
it was here that i found myself today. standing in the middle of hunter ave as lightning struck down trees, crushing cars on both 10th and 9th ave, and rain encircled me until it hurt. losing my flip flops constantly in the flooding streets and chased them down. laughing. and playing. because i am free. and as angela made her way into the down pour i smiled to myself. because i couldnt imagine a better place for me to be. there is no better place than in the hands of my god. soaked in his grace.

summa-summa-summatime.

2008-06-11T23:12:00.004-04:00

summer is here.
sometimes the four months that gap the break between oval madness and ohio state football are unthinkable to me. it's probably because i don't work. i am blessed to have parents that support me and support my full time ministry, which is a beautiful thing because it means i'm always available. it means that when natalie hess turns to me on a wednesday afternoon and says, "i want to go to canada this summer." i can confidently say, "get a passport and i will take you." it means that i can take two weeks at the end of july and road trip with bethany hojna down to OBX to spend time with my crazy family. it means that when alessandra says, "i'm free on friday. what are you doing?" i can in a second say, "hanging out with you." it means that when meaghan has had a long day at work i can sit on the couch and watch karate kid with her. it means i have time to serve my house. i have time to drive to dayton and play with friends that i love.
but sometimes it means that i'm lonely. while everyone i know works an 8-5 i am waking up at noon only to eat ceral. (in our living room that never seems to let in the light of day.) this where satan attacks me a lot. these moments where i am by myself.
the other day i was talking to my friend and i believe the conversation went something like this...
"im so bored. what am i going to do with my summer?"
"you are going to learn so much about the lord. and i am going to try and learn a little bit too."

she is right.
how good is the lord that even when i doubt he still embraces me with his love. washes me with his grace. and lets me be apart of his work. summer days have been absolutely beautiful. the heat is good. the past two days i have had the pleasure of exploring victorian village. as i run through the neighborhood my eyes explore houses that tells stories. places i would want to live.
i pray that scripture would continue to breathe into my soul. i pray that i would be entirely dependent on prayer. i pray that i would believe that his promises are better than what i believe sin will provide me. i pray for a deep affection.
summer is here.

that's my everything

2008-02-25T12:06:00.006-05:00

sometimes when i write i am looking for an audience.
today, i am not.

my soul is shaken. my heart is crying out for relief. freedom.
what am i still doing bent and hunched over--you have bared the burden. your yoke is light yet i a wander like a fool under the full weight of something that doesn't exist.
i want things of the world.
i want to be satisfied by people and i want that to be okay.
i am being torn apart. my God, you are stripping from me again my idols and placing me gently back on my knees. someday i will look up and see that it is the cross you have placed me under. it is the cross that i bow beneath and it is your grace that has lovingly made my sin unattainable. you protect me and i fight with tears. you comfort me and my body aches for what cannot satisfy. fighting against sweaty palms that beat for what kills. you control my heart.
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." [proverbs 16:25]

you are my God, whom i turn from daily.
you are my Lord, whom i cannot seem to trust.
you are my Savior, that i deny i need.
you are my Father, and i cannot see your love.
you are my everything, and my heart is filled with grief when i loose sight.
my idols let me down.
they are not sufficient.
they do not fill.
they will not last.
you are my love. make your face known to me.

And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness. [psalm 17:15]

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek [psalm 27:8]

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
[1 chronicles 16:10-11]

"this is all that i can say right now. i know it's not much. this is all that i can give...and that's my everything."

Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me. [hosea 5:15]
thank you that i have a savior. that the work of my hands is not what permits me to come to my God. my hands are unfaithful. i pray for your face.

Almost Famous: Ask me again

2008-02-04T12:46:00.001-05:00

this is what jesus is doing to me.
i want to come.

grace

2008-01-22T17:14:00.000-05:00

i just got done listening to a sermon by matt chandler. going through the hebrews series and it's really wonderful. constantly being reaffirmed of God's grace and my inability. part of me wants to sit here and say, if you don't listen to matt chandler you should probably start. but there is something else. more than that i want to say, if you don't know the gospel, if you are apart of the millions of christians that abandon the cross daily. every hour. ever minute. if you are, like me, and you set aside the crown of thorns and deny the existence of the nails...i would like to say, rejoice because the gospel is for you.
i have been having one of those pivotal turning points in my faith recently. being hit by the reality of the gospel and being entirely overwhelmed. sitting here thinking to myself, how could i have possibly ever been following christ and not understood this. and that is the absolute glory of God.
so here i am in a place i feel i have never been. taken down by the fact that there is nothing i can do, earn, or achieve to receive any sort of favor in the eyes of my Lord. the fact that i have absolutely nothing to bring to the throne that he doesn't already have. nothing that could serve him better than what he already obtains. i am able to follow him by his grace. the grace that said go my son. the grace that shed blood. the blood that cleanses me. the blood that allows me to have faith. the faith that comes only by grace.
that is, my life.

2008-01-07T02:33:00.002-05:00

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangly dim
in the light of His glory and grace

abercrombie models

2007-12-29T20:27:00.000-05:00

break has broken me.
today my mom was kind enough to not only come to the mall with me, gracing me with her company, but she also bought me new clothes for new years. tuttle mall was insane. i like to go to tuttle for a few reasons...
1) it's where i grew up going (besides city center-->where people die).
2) i know where everything is and it's close.
3) sometimes i feel bad for it. it is becoming little bit run down. it's glam has worn off and polaris and easton are taking all the glory.
today was worse than before christmas--it was after christmas. the time when everyone runs to the mall to return, exchange and buy as many things on sale as possible. as we waded through the crowd--kids running from their parents, husbands waiting outside talbots, women frantically sifting through clearance racks--we passed abercrombie. looking inside, thinking about how i would love a new sweatshirt, i glanced at the gigantic picture of the half naked male model sitting in the entrance.
(this sentence kind of sounds like there was an extremely overweight naked man standing in abercrombie, if that's the picture you got...it's not what i meant.)
my thoughts shifted from, "oh wouldn't be nice to have a new sweatshirt that's soft and smells like abercrombie..." to "hm...that man is really attractive."
(i so badly just wanted to type..."oh wouldn't it be nice to have that man that's soft and smells like abercrombie" haha. so there. i did. but it wasn't what i was thinking.)
i started to think about what makes things beautiful. who decides. how can people possibly be thrown into a category. beautiful/not beautiful. it seems like a pretty ridiculous binary. as i kept walking, on my mission to reach macy's, i began to see people differently. my eyes stumbled upon a man probably in his early thirties, scruffy beard, winter hat, large coat, glasses, and i thought to myself...i could think he was beautiful. he could be really beautiful. not like i had a thing for him but seriously why do we think we get to decide what is attractive and what isn't.

parallel to this i am learning a lot about myself. basically because i'm pretty insecure and look to other people to decide my purpose and worth. i pray that i would know God's love. i pray that i could be secure in how he sees and knows me. i pray that i would be confident in my relationship with him when all else fails me. i beg for dependence on Christ.
freedom. i want to stand in a place where i am free. i want to know who i am. i want to see myself through my God's eyes. i want to learn this. to learn what satisfaction, complete and full, in the Lord looks and feels like.

because this is beautiful

2007-12-26T19:51:00.000-05:00

words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
possessing and caressing me.

jai guru de va om

images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
tumble blindly as they make their way

sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
through my open views inviting and inciting me
limitless undying love which shines around me like a
million suns, it calls me on and on

because love cannot be forced.

gloria

2007-12-24T22:19:00.000-05:00

christmas eve and my heart is rebounding in triumphing love.
the lord has been teaching me a lot about love recently. [i feel like this is something i am always learning a lot about; basically because my view is so disorted to reflect the world.]
my eyes have been slowly peeled open to community. what it means to love in fellowship and enjoy people. what it means to dance with victory for my brothers wins and weep for his brokenness.
the lord is constantly challenging love for me. how can i find joy in denial of self? satisfaction?
i feel like very small child a lot. needy. selfish. prideful. "why aren't people serving me the way that i want and expect to be served? don't they understand the gospel?"

-->why don't i understand the gospel...

i am learning how to love people. i am learning how my god loves me and how deep forgiveness flows.
i am learning what it really means to be a friend. a best friend. a sister. a daughter. a leader. a housemate.
i am learning how the love of christ--the real, pure and beautiful love of christ--penetrates the soul. how the cross is powerful.
i am learning that i am weak. what i think i know i do not in fact understand. what i want to know i cannot grasp on my own.
i am learning that my relationship with the lord is so dependant on my obedience and passion for prayer. and as i pray my view of people changes. as i pray for my friends my heart breaks for them. the way i treat them and act around them changes.
i am learning that my attitude towards things and people is entirely dependant on my prayer life for them.

[encouraged.]

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. [galations 1:10]

merry christmas.

because its winter break

2007-12-13T02:29:00.000-05:00

missing comfort and not pursuing it is easily my hardest cross. to know that the things that the lord created to be good and fruitful war against us producing thorns. to know that the cultivation of my hands is sinful. to know that no matter how much i try and love something it doesn't mean i am glorifying the lord.
what is love? how do i give it? what does receiving real love look like? feel like?
i care about some things, some people, so much but i can't seem to love them in the right way. what is the right way? what does my purpose look like here?

...because it's winter break i have easily stayed up until 3:30 every night.

as the world turns

2007-12-08T21:35:00.000-05:00

fudge covered hands--tupac beating on the bowls.

"Though I walk thru the valley of hell the shadow follows me
Wisdom hard to swallow tomorrow expect apologies
You probably panic, stranded in search of a better planet
Realism hard to understand, we stand slanted
and still stranded, merciless thieves stole the best of me
I pray to black Jesus to please take the rest of me
And still, the best of us build, and reach monetary gains
Some of us kill, but still, most of us can change"

i dyed my hair a dark brownish red.
we made fudge for christmas tonight.
pants and i danced it out on the kitchen floor.

today is a jewel day.

2007-11-07T12:06:00.000-05:00

we'll sit on the front porch, the sun can warm my feet

you can drink your coffee with sugar and cream, i'll drink my decaf herbal tea

pretend we're perfect strangers and that we never met

my your remind me of a man i used to sleep with that's a face i'll never forget

oil streaked daisies covered the living room wall

he put water colored roses in her hair

so they sat down and made a drawing of their love, they made it an art to live by

the plaid dress

2007-10-31T11:24:00.000-04:00

Strong sun, that bleach
The curtains of my room, can you not render
Colourless this dress I wear?-
This violent plaid
Of purple angers and red shames; the yellow stripe
Of thin but valid treacheries; the flashy green of kind deeds done
Through indolence high judgments given here in haste;
The recurring checker of the serious breach of taste?

No more uncoloured than unmade,
I fear, can be this garment that I may not doff;
Confession does not strip it off,
To send me homeward eased and bare;

All through the formal, unoffending evening, under the clean
Bright hair,
Lining the subtle gown...it is not seen,
But it is there.
-millay

i'll probably write about it.

2007-10-29T10:36:00.000-04:00

i spent part of saturday night with two of my favorite people.

leigh wroble--we are just starting to be friends and it's fun. hanging out with leigh is refreshing. i like her a lot.

meaghan agnew--i feel like meagh's and i understand each other in a way that doesn't really make sense to me a lot of the time. i get asked frequently why meaghan and i are so close and, to be honest, i really don't know. but i love her and at ohio state, she is my comfort.

intentionally bypassing the osu game leigh and i drove around with meaghan for almost thirty minutes trying to find a parking spot. it was beautiful.

laughter.

meaghan's frustration.

donuts from starbucks.

being helpless.

freedom.

donuts from starbucks.

new friends.

being away from everything except these two girls. in which there is life, beauty, and joy. i am grateful that i got to sit shotgun in the mina and experience this moment unfold.

i remember turning to meaghan as she said something like, "thisss suckkkss. i just want to park!"

and in response, "no meagh, it's great, i love it, i'll probably write about it."

liberation

2007-08-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

i found this entry in my journal. it was written february tenth 2007. a period of time in my life where everything was unclear. the feeling of waking up everyday and realizing you don't know how to ride your bike anymore and you have to learn again, from the beginning, everyday.

freedom itself has been an entirely suffocated idea that perplexes and strangles my mind. i'm starting to wonder it liberation looks less like abandoned fields of corn and snow angels in the park and more like eleventh avenue. the thought of becoming has entirely stifled the actual act. stationary in my thoughts is where i am, where i will be until i can perceive the gospel. when the gospel runs through my veins, is my breath, my food. when the grace and redeeming love are shattering in my soul, it is there that i will feel the sunlight of the field and the sweet sweet taste of decembers flakes. 2/10/07

that i might take a sip.

2007-08-06T00:03:00.000-04:00

poured out. that's how i feel. God has been pouring out himself all over me in the past year. i hesitate to say that i lead young life sometimes because it's unreal how often the Lord brings people to my feet. yesterday the Lord brought me to a place, floating down a river somewhere in southeast ohio, surrounded by his faithfulness. let me try and describe...(i waver in deciding whether or not to talk about these girls, because i would love for them to be able to read this and not come to the conclusion that i really am as creepy as they once thought.) but it's where the Lord has brought me and continues to bring me, and i love them.

natalie.

i don't even know where to begin. nat is one of the people that the Lord has used to help me rethink and reaffirm prayer. something about it begin snowy and playing lacrosse--then picking her up from the airport, delivering her champion. my God delivers.

she questions and listens.

i am just excited that Jesus is working in her heart. excited that somewhere somehow he is showing her what love is.

and as i watch the Lord change her, using me only because he can not because he has to, i am learning. learning what love is, how to give it, how to receive it, where it comes from, and where it goes. i am learning that my God is big enough to use anyone and personal enough to use everyone.

faith.

this past spring i learned that faith is real. she struggles and hurts. she isn't perfect. something inside of me was relieved, maybe it's because my heart bleeds for the broken, maybe it's because at that moment everything became very authentic. pain. heartache. emotion.

encouraging is an understatement. sometimes i laugh briefly to myself, [not one of those laughs that comes from your stomach and makes your whole body gasp for air, but the laugh that simply makes your lips curve slightly upward and then joy dances in your heart]. i laugh because faith spurs me on in just about everything i set out to do. she gives me feedback about everything and loves young life. more than that, faith loves Jesus. she seeks and questions. she is teachable and dying to be taught. she is God's beloved and one of my best friends.

and i cannot wait to see her change the lives of people around her as she clings to the cross.

ali.
i cannot be around her and not simply love everything that she is. Jesus has got to be at the head of that. she is fun and she cares about people but somewhere deep inside the world has broken her. there is something very genuine about being with ali. her heart and soul speak in a way that i have never experienced and to put words to the love that the Lord has given me for this girl would be unfair.
i cannot wait until the day when my God captures the depths of her. i cannot wait until he captures the depths of me...

this is a piece of our God. and i...i am being poured into, by my God, through everything.

this is not my soul.

2007-08-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

previously i have tried to let the journals define myself. steal my life and create a new me. a me that only exists somewhere in the lost world of the internet where almost no one-and yet everyone can find it.
so here i am proclaiming, this is not me. it is pieces of me (not to be confused with jewel's first album). it is a frame. a frame that hangs diligently. pass it by. examine it. repaint it. rework it. it's still just a frame. different memories slip through the edges of good frames. this, is mine.